What do I do now?

I found out something last night and now I am feeling SO guilty. My baby brother (though he’s a whole person taller than I) lives Interstate. He not only decided that he wanted to come over to our state for his birthday (goodness knows why) Then again the other thing I found out might explain it a bit more. I found out as well that he’s been having mini panic attacks…Now I’m starting to worry that it’s because of myself that he’s starting to have them.

Stressed 101 Dalmatians GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Although I don’t smoke…and I’m not a man

Have I been talking about it too much?

Now my partner is kind of making fun, because both sides of my family have suffered from anxieties. My mums side, mainly the women (as far as I know) around my age have all had issues, BUT, we’ve also “overcome” them. Or at least learned how to cope with them. My Dads side, not so much. They’re all addicts. They’re all still alive though. With numerous health issues, but still here.

I just feel guilty right now. I don’t want to stop from talking about it, but I don’t want to give people anxieties either.

I think that I’m going to buy him a bunch of fruit…Maybe some tea too.

I bought and sent him some fancy tea things with Chamomile.

A bit of a tizzle

I am in a bit of a tizzle today and I am not really sure what to do.

My partner cat had a seizure last night and while we rushed him to the Vets and he recovered really well. This is the second this has happened and I feel helpless because there’s really not much that we can do.

The first time it happened we actually thought he was choking on something, but now we’re wondering if he was having a fit, and if he was, that means it was his first one ever, in his life.     ….    Do NOT go and watch videos of animals having seizures, it is extremely upsetting!

We’re going to to the Vets this week to get some blood tests done. It should both exclude and include what may be wrong…We are pretty sure that it is epilepsy. Rather know for certain though. Apparently the medication for it, once he’s on it he has to stay on it…So we need to cross out everything else.

I hate how we can’t communicate with animals, and them with us…I HATE it.

He’s been sleeping all day, but every time I get up he goes running to the door and he wants milk and he can’t have either. Does anyone else have experience with this?

Thoughts and Reiki Healing ❤

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End of a Season

At my place of work we have two busy seasons, one at the beginning of the year and one in the middle of the year…My work, in general terms, is to help students enrol into their classes at an Adult Learning pace. It’s not like High School where we have to chase them, but its not as complex as University either…For my Australian readers, I work at my local TAFE. We have two semesters, Semester 1 which is from January to July. Then Semester two runs from July for the rest of the year.

Well I am glad I don’t have to deal with 800 – 1000 students a day anymore. However, this means that my work dries up…Incredibly…My work place doesn’t always think they can justify having us casuals about the rest of them time. So where we might get a couple of days a week, the work is now drying up…Which as you can imagine is scary.

I’m applying for job, but it always makes me sad, in the last few quieter seasons I have been lucky with people going on holidays, or leaving entirely, leaving space for us casuals to work. I’m just not sure it’s going to happen this time.

This weekend I am going to try and have fun and try not to be to hard on myself. I have been applying for work and have had a couple of interviews, but nothing yet…So I think that I definitely need a fun weekend this weekend and try not to worry…Wish me luck!

Study

My job is a bit weird (as well as my title) but my main job is to help students enrol into “TAFE/College” classes and a lot of the times we are called in in the morning. Unfortunately, at the moment, we are not being called in a lot. Luckily for me and some of my other co-workers we were asked to work in a particular study area office as their receptionist. It’s one of those study areas that I really feel uncomfortable around, but I don’t have much choice at the moment. I have also found out that none of my other casual co-workers took up the offer.

So now I’m working by myself in an area I am completely unfamiliar with, so today I am just studying all the notes I took and had been given after training for one day…ONE DAY! This area works with Visa’s and people who have English a second language…and there is me…No second language at all! So I am slightly freaking out today.

As much as I am freaking out, I am really honestly feeling a little embarrassed that I was the only people who offered to work any shifts. At the moment I am just doing Tuesday – Thursday because Monday and Fridays I have just started volunteer work. Here is Australia you have to be doing something each week to “earn” your welfare/dole pay. So I can’t give up my volunteer work because the paid work is not permanent. It’s turned into a really complicated system and kind of unfair system. Instead of actually paying people, businesses now use volunteers, full time, instead.

I am trying to enjoy this last day of freedom before tomorrow.

Wobble…Like Jelly…

So tonight I had a bit of a freak out and a bit of a wobble. Currently here in South Australia we are experiencing a major devastating bush fire, people lives are being lost, homes and property completely gone and we unfortunately had one well known kennel and cattery burnt down with many of the dogs and all of the cats still on the property.

Anyways this same night I had a date with the number one guy (there is no number two guy anymore). I heard that the suburbs that three different ex’s of mine are from, were required to evacuate. I couldn’t help myself, I got worried and I realised that I still cared. Not in love care, but worry something will go wrong kind of caring. Then I got angry at myself for caring at all. My mum told me it was perfectly naturally to still care and worry while not being in love with that person.

I hate though that I still care about these people who obviously never cared about me. I highly doubt that if they heard that I had to be evacuated that they would worry about me at all. I got so upset that I still care and I know that they don’t and now I’m frightened that it’ll happen to me all over again.

I can already tell it’s happening, everything that the number one guy did tonight bugged the crap out of me and yet I know in the back of my head none of it’s any of his fault, so I managed to fake a “sickie” and get myself out of the date earlier than anticipated and then collapsed in tears when I got home. 30 years of being treated like hell and I think that I broke tonight. I can feel myself cutting off and becoming cold.

p.s. I will be fine, I just can’t seem to stop crying tonight.

 brokengirl

This Matthew West guy seems to get it…

Uploaded by QueenGalaxii

Published on 14 May 2012

Lyric Video..

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One week…

Isn’t it crazy that in one week it will all be over with? The stressing, the struggling to find and get people the presents that they actually wanted? The week before Christmas I always start freaking out, I don’t freak out on Christmas Eve as a lot of people seem to do. I think that’s mainly because if I’m not ready by Christmas Eve, I’m stuffed any-way.

Today I have a spent a lot of time today with enquiring why my packages are not here yet. My head has come very close to exploding as to why no one is getting back to me. But then I got my Christmas present for myself! That’s another thing I do every year, I always buy myself a little something. This year I bought a little Dragon from Little Fat Dragons and she is beautiful! These pictures do not justice to how gorgeous she is though.

2014-12-19 13.21.092014-12-19 13.19.52So when do you start really worrying about Christmas? Do you start getting scared on Christmas Eve, or have you started worrying about it months ago?