Be your own best friend

These last couple of years have been pretty rough on me, friendship wise. I’ve lost a lot of friends, friendships have changed and I’m came to the conclusion this weekend, that I don’t really have a “best friend”. I thought I did…But I really don’t think I do. I have good friends and close friends and fun friends. I don’t think that I’ve ever really had a “best friend” though.  A couple of years ago the best friends I thought I had completely changed (you can read the start of my changes here from a year ago).

Too break it down, one of my best friends got into an abusive relationship and it was on and off and I got sick of it. I stood up and instead of telling, well if they love each other they should work it out, I told to her to leave. I got hated on for it and that’s when it began. One of my “best friends” started to “accidentally” leave me out of ‘best friend and sister’ posts on Facebook, and then got all upset with me when I told her off. Then the actual girl told me we had grown apart because I was single, she didn’t want to tell me all the good stuff in case I got jealous. When she’s single, she gets jealous of happy couples. Except I have never been like that, shouldn’t my “best friend” of half my life know that? What kind of friend does she think I am anyways, that I’d rather hear about her getting abused, then happy things? Then every time she’s come out here, she seems to see only one of our best friends, out of our “best friend” group. In fact, she has seen one of our best friends partners one on one, more than me.

I think the thing that worries me most, is that I’m not even sad about it. It’s just feels like one less responsibility and less person you owe something too, or in this case three people. Have I become so cynical and heartless? As I have been slowly taking myself out. It’s been kind of nice too to take myself out of these groups, nice and slowly. As every time something happens and I am hanging out with them, all I can think “Why does nothing change” and also “How stupid are these people?”.

Not being ‘stuck’ in a group has also meant I have had more time to get out there and discover things I am interested in and meet new people. These included having more time to write a Blog, or the stories I am currently working on. I also go for longer walks with my dog. I can go off and explore things around the neighbourhood when I want, I have more time for crafting stuff. I don’t know if it is also because I have a good boyfriend who I can muck about it and he has been a better friend than they have. Maybe that’s also why it’s been so easy?

I feel like I get do things that I want to do, I can go to places I want too, eat at places I want to, shop where I want too and not feel like I’m being dragged along, or dragging someone else along too.

Sorry, I think that this post is a bit all over the place.

Are any of you in the same situation though? Do you feel like without those people in your life, you are actually alright as well? Do you feel like you should be missing them, but you are hey okay without them?

9….How did you do and feel…

52 Week Grateful Challenge

How did you Do & Feel?

Honestly this one really confused me, just how it’s worded…Damn that’s Dyslexia! So, let’s see how I go.

At the end of last week I felt so tired and fed up and “what’s the point” and I have to admit that a dark thought passed through my mind. For a brief second, but it seemed so childish because I started to think about how lucky I am. I have this amazing partner who has been so supportive these last few months. Even my Mum has kind of backed off of me, which by that I mean, she’s backed off with a lot of stuff. Letting me go at my own pace. You know how parents can “bug you”, in their parent way. It’s not mean or nasty, it’s just “bugging”.

So this week I am grateful for a lot because I couldn’t get through this without them. I am pretty much fighting my own mind right now and they are helping me to keep myself distracted. Also though, it’s making me looking at my life just on a whole. Looking at my lifestyle and just how slack I’ve become in taking care of myself. I’ve started eating better now, because it makes me feel better. I’m becoming more active and doing more things and just doing things that make me happy.

I feel more positive, because even though I am going to be starting from the beginning. I am doing something, rather than giving up. I do NOT want this to become the “norm” for me. That’s why I believe I will be alright.