That greener grass

I’ve had a few interesting times over this last year, just personally I’ve felt like I’ve changed a lot and have become a lot more sure of who I am.

As a general rule when someone goes through something like a lot of things, for example your friendships. Also though women I used to really admire, use to really look up too, I have down a full 180 on them. They’re all smart, successful in their careers, stunningly beautiful, they take really good care of their health. Even though they are some of my best friends

However there is one thing that I’ve never really realised before, they can’t be alone. They are always with someone. These smart, successful, beautiful women NEED to have a men in their life to make their life “credible”.

There’s this one girl who is actually one of my ex’s, ex’s before me. She cheated on my ex with his best friend and they eventually got married. Ever since I’ve known her though, my ex was planning on asking her to marry him, had the ring, everything, but she turned him down because she was in love with his best friend. I’ve noticed though, she seems to get remarried every couple of years. Recently I noticed that she was already dating someone (via taking a picture of herself in her underwear) and her last post with her husband has only been two weeks beforehand on Facebook. Yet, no one else seems to have noticed? It’s like she’s going through so many guys no one even cares any-more.

Then there’s one of my best friends, obsessed is an understatement with her finding a guy. It’s pretty much all our conversations have been over the last two years…I am not even kidding. She’s been hypnotherapy, all sorts of things…None of it seems to work. Then she’ll meet some guy and for the next month she’ll be in total love and then he turns out to be a jerk or just doesn’t like her as much as she likes him and it’s all over again.

One of the things that fascinates me though the most is that neither of these girls wants to have children. So what’s with the desperation? You can get married at any age.

That’s beside the point though, it’s just fascinating that these two women who I used to really admire and wish that I had their life, I’m glad that I don’t have their life.

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#TheHardcoreLife

Hardcore to me isn’t the amount of tattoos you have, or how much you can drink, or how heavy your music is…To me it’s how true you stay to you, when the rest of the world stands against you and how much you respect yourself and your beliefs, whatever they may be…

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Role Reversal?

Here I am again, feeling frustrated because no matter how many times I have rejected a guy. Apparently it is MY responsibility to make them feel better again and for months to listen to how much they like me and how strong they’re feelings are for me. Even though I have made it clear that 1) I am NOT interested and 2) I have met someone.

If I did this, I would be call ‘crazy’, ‘pathetic’ and ‘stalkerish’. Yet, if I call them that and I don’t just sit there, take it and listen to something that I think is actually unhealthy and not helpful at all, I’m a bitch. Why? Why do we just have to put up with these guys harassing us? The emotional blackmail as well! I got so fed up with one guy today I literally broke and started to lose it. When I told this guy I was refusing to talk about any-more his feelings for me (I said no to him mid-December and he knows I’m dating someone else) because it was clearly not healthy and it was clearly not helpful for him. He tried to turn it back on me “Oh, I was just asking how you were doing”. I LOST it! I have not lost it like that in a really long time.

I literally FEAR rejecting guys now, I really do fear it. I have been humiliated on Facebook because of rejecting someone, which honestly made me even MORE glad that I chose to say no to that guy. Why anyone of them (a group of people decided to tag me in a picture that basically called me a “bitch” and posted it on their Facebook, they wouldn’t have dared to post it on my own wall) would think that that would make me want to date him more is beyond me. I have had guys go off on me while in their cars, that is scary as!

Guy listen to me…Man up! Not one single girl I know finds it sexy to constantly harass us after we have rejected you, in fact, it makes us want to stay away from you even more you and humiliating us does NOT work for us! Not one single girl I know has changed her mind after you posted on her wall any type of “friendzone” meme. It makes us even more glad that we don’t choose you, except we can’t say that because we’ll be called a bitch and then have our name dragged through the mud.

Yet, always there is hope…

Dear You,

I need to write this to you, but I can never show you, I can never open my heart up to you again. In the rest of my days, you can never actually know this.

It’s weird this feeling that I have. I hate you, I don’t trust you and now you have made me feel unsafe and unwanted. Yet at the same time, I am completely, madly in love with you still. Isn’t that weird? I know that I can’t ever be with you and with the attitude that you have seemed to develop over night I don’t want to, but yet here I am. Flirting, chatting with other guys and opening my heart to them, but still in love with you?

Yet, if anyone were to tell me that I have no self respect for myself, I know that they’re in the wrong. I don’t want you back, ever again. Not in a millions years would I ever, and sometimes I think it’s because I miss who I thought you were, not who you turned out to be.

You were the first person that I could really see myself settling down with, getting married, having babies, doing the whole grown up thing. I get scared sometimes that now I am far too damaged to feel like that again, yet there is hope. I can hear her calling in the back of my mind “Don’t give up!”