Well,

I was so quiet over the weekend, and I do apoligise for that. Nothing really exciting happened. I just kind of was not feeling it. We’ve decided on a place, date, time of wedding that sort of stuff. But when you talk to people about money. Icky, lol,

I am one of those people, if you can afford it, pay it as soon as you can. Don’t beat around the bush, just do it. Unfortunately, not everyone else is like that. It’s very frustrating. My partner sort of fobbed around with paying the first deposit payment, so he was happy to let my Mum do it. I was not. It’s not even the money thing. Its the fact, that she will need to see the arrangements. She doesn’t HAVE too, but it makes things easier. Guess what that means…

And it’s already happened.

I’m not talking to my Dad…Again. Let’s be honest here, he doesn’t care what I think. He’s just trying to get at my Mum. Yes, even 30 years later. I unblocked him, after nearly a year, to tell him I was getting married…and he goes “Your Mum didn’t even tell me you were getting married”. Like, it’s not her responsibility to tell him, that is on me. It’s even on me really, if I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want too.

He doesn’t give a shit about me. He’s been telling my Mum all this stuff about the wedding, that he’s not telling me, things I need to know about. He told my brother about his suit, and not me, he told my Mum how he’s got money, but he told me he’s got none. Don’t even get me started with them constantly telling me what my brother “thinks”.

I am enjoying my time up too my wedding, and I don’t blame my brother for one thing. But I am going to have say something. I just have to word it “correctly”. I’ve already got one sentence, tell me what you think, lol.

“Reminder, I am the Bride, not *insert brothers name here*. If I want a poo coloured dress for my wedding, I will have a poo coloured dress for my wedding, and I will happily blame it on you. It’s like you people don’t know me at all”.

I have NEVER been the type of person who jumps when told too. I do the opposite, I would lie down on the ground, rather than jump. So telling me to do what my brother “thinks”, is absolutely NOT going to work. Funny thing, my brother has been really good about everything.

I will wear a poo coloured dress, just to piss them off, lol,

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William Shakespeare (and my Great-grandfather)

(This quote was first quoted by the brilliant William Shakespeare and it was one of my Great Grandfather favourites)

Always here too me…

I promise that I will stop posting the depressing blog posts about break ups soon, I have a slight feeling that I am feeling a little better. I have stopped talking to my ex, cold turkey. He didn’t do anything wrong I just realised that I was not moving on and so far this actually seems to be working. I was just having this random thought and at the moment I’m not really sure that I even know how to talk to my friends and family about it, mainly because I am worried if I let them know how I’m feeling, they will become worried and there’s nothing to worry about. So I guess what I’m saying any advice would be much appreciated! (Am I glad or what my ex can’t see this either!lol)

This is the first break up that I have ever had where I feel truly alone. I feel a huge part of me is missing. It took me a long time to let my guard down with my ex and when I did, I fell pretty darn quickly after that. He became such a huge part of my life in such a big way in a short amount of time and I’m not even sure any-more what he was actually feeling. He made feel the happiest and the safest that I have ever felt before and now I have the hopeless feeling that he may have never cared for me as strongly as I felt for him. I’m tired of asking him if he did care about me, because why would he say no for? He’d be too terrified to tell me anything else,lol.

In all honesty, in thirty years, I have never felt like this after a break up. Sometimes it is extremely distressing and I completely zone out and pay no attention to what is going on around me (I nearly got hit by a car the other day). Has anyone else ever gone through this? Can you give any advice on how to help me through? What are some steps that I could take to get through this.

Cheers!*

*Update* I had this post scheduled and since then I am no longer in contact with my ex in anyway and have no plans of that changing shortly, but I would still appreciate the advice!

 

Getting ready…

Take a deep breathe,
Look at the phone,
Nope…No change,
Look in the mirror and roll my eyes at myself…(why would he call)

Tried to take the shower,
But the hot water hasn’t scaled the pain buried deep inside away,
Look at myself in the mirror again,
A million thoughts of how this night will probably turn out.

Look at the phone,
Nope…No change,
Step by step I put the shell on, already to defend myself,
The shell that the rest of the world will call a dress and make-up.

Check my phone again..Nope, no change,
I guess it’s time to accept that I have to go out,
Take that first step out into the horde,
The horde that is single life.

 

 

Never send in a boy to do a mans job…

This week has been pretty up and down for me. I was doing really well, had a amazing birthday party, had a amazing birthday. Then for some reason the rest of the week it’s been coming down and I have been at a complete lost as to what to do or who to talk too. I tried talking to some friends about it, but then one of them hijacked the conversation to talk about themselves…again. I do not open up very easily and when they did it, it shut me down again.

So as you can probably guess by the title…I have guy issues and I have no idea how I keep ending up in them! I have taken myself off of Facebook for a while to figure myself out and figure out how to take my next step. Now I am taking time to ask my male friends what I should look for in a guy who really likes me versus a guy that just wants one thing and doesn’t actually care. Every time I meet these guys, the first time it is so much fun and I don’t necessarily want to date them, but it is nice to have someone to have fun…and then it always just goes downhill from there and yet their friends always adore me! So I always end up stuck between needing to be civil to stay friends with the other friends and wanting to kick them in male special region!

It’ll be kind of like an emotional holiday.

Sometimes I wish these guys would just hug me and say there is nothing wrong with you. When I ask them why they are doing what they are doing, they either say absolutely nothing or “I don’t know how to respond”. I feel like it’s the most frustrating thing ever! I want answers as to what I may be doing wrong, but am getting nowhere. As a lot of my friends have pointed out to me though a “Man” would never want a girl who does nothing else but taking selfies and talks about being drunk, getting drunk or thinking somehow being sober is some major achievement. I don’t blame men…I just seem to have a terrible time picking out good ones. It is me.

I want to be in love again, I don’t want to live in fear any-more ❤ Thank you for listening!

Listen to your Heart…You are all beautiful to me…

I’ve been discouraged lately…I keep seeing these posts saying things along the lines of “If you she’s really pretty and all the guys want her, she’s obviously a keeper” and people mentioning things of “He is so ugly, why would he think I’d date him”. The other thing that shocks me is the amount of people who will like or agree with these statements.

I have never understood thinking like this. When you really love someone, really care about them, looks has literally nothing to do with it. (I told them so as well) My boyfriends have all been completely different, look wise. In fact the “prettiest” of the bunch turned out to be the most cruel, cold hearted and unkind. Funnily enough I thought I saw him a couple of weeks ago but then I thought “Oh he’d never let himself go like that”. That particular ex use to have a go at me for my looks as well.

One thing in life I can guarantee is that looks have literally nothing to do with someone’s heart or their true beliefs. Don’t even think about it. If you are going around posting and saying things about how someone is pretty and all the guy wants her so she must be keeper. You don’t deserve her. I have stopped complaining about being hit on all the time and the main reasons I have stopped looking for someone. I started to realise that a large majority of the guys who would privately say that I’m the most beautiful girl they know and I’m the one for them. Didn’t actually know a single thing about me and when they realised that I was not just a pretty girl. I have a mind, ambitions, beliefs and I will stand by them, they didn’t like me so much any-more.

So now I make sure I take time to get to know someone and I take note if they are listening to what I am saying. 90% of the time…they don’t,lol.

DHT ft. Edmee – Listen To Your Heart
2004
Robbins Entertainment