A long weekend…

So it’s a long weekend here in the Down Under country and I have got a few things happenings this week, seeing people that I haven’t seen in quite a while. (Which had nothing to do with my previous relationship, I just haven’t seen these people all year).

However yesterday was the last time I have ever expected to “talk” (I use that term very loosely, very hard to have a conversation with someone who wont talk back) or see my ex ever again. There was one question that I needed an answer too and he did give it. I think though he’s answer didn’t really explain why he had started to treat me so badly AFTER we broke up. I have never before had to beg anyone to talk too me and I have never had to stop being friends with an ex so soon after we broke up. I have honestly been appalled and disgusted by my ex’s actions, but when people ask me why do I think he’s done it…All I can say is…I honestly don’t know.

What I can say though with 100% certainty is that it is on him and it is absolutely not a reflection on me or the type of person I am. I feel so happy about this. For 30 years I have struggled to feel good about myself and I can finally be at a place where I can say “Nope, it’s definitely you”lol…I am not a bad person and do not deserve to be treated as such, I might like you, but I like myself best =D

Deserve

That Little Scar

The little scar on the bottom of my right foot,
A constant reminder on how I entered this world,
A scratch across my foot when I was not even a day old,
I suffocated on the way in too, a tiny little life already having to fight to be in this world.

That little scar on the bottom of my right foot,
A trusting little foot holding out to the doctor, with that big needle, much bigger than my little foot.
One little movement and that trust that I had in that doctor, all gone,
I am suppose to be there, I might have to fight the rest of my life, but here I am.

That little scar on the bottom of my right foot,
How can one deny that there not suppose to be,
I am supposed to be and I will fight to be here,
But why am I suppose to be here? Why and what for?

That little scar on the bottom of my right foot, a constant reminder that I AM supposed to be here.

Random Thoughts…

I am at a school and I am in a prime spot in the Library to watch all the cars and people outside go by and since here it’s the beginning of Spring, you can probably guess that I am not actually doing any of the school work that I came in too do. Instead here I am, thinking about you…

I can’t help it I let my mind drift off and think about you and what you might be doing right now. It’s such a gorgeous day and I’m sitting here wondering if you’ve finished work yet, are you even at work, or are you wrapped up lying on some grass having a picnic somewhere with some another girl. I can’t forgive for how you’ve treated me after everything, but I can’t stop thinking about you either. About everything that could and probably would have been…and how we would have never have wasted a day like today.

I don’t want you back and yet I miss so incredibly much that it still saddens my every waking moment and although the nightmares have seemed to have stopped. I still have that 5 minutes before I fall asleep where I still think of you and everything that we could have been. I miss you with every beat of my heart and yet there’s just no way that I could tell you or let you back into my life.

I look really pretty today, I can tell by the way the guys are staring at me, but I hate it when they do it…Don’t they know I’m yours? Oh wait…No, I’m not. Well the sun seems to be going down and it’s getting darker, so I guess that I should thinking about you and my thoughts become as dark as the evening that is coming.

I miss you ❤

Always here too me…

I promise that I will stop posting the depressing blog posts about break ups soon, I have a slight feeling that I am feeling a little better. I have stopped talking to my ex, cold turkey. He didn’t do anything wrong I just realised that I was not moving on and so far this actually seems to be working. I was just having this random thought and at the moment I’m not really sure that I even know how to talk to my friends and family about it, mainly because I am worried if I let them know how I’m feeling, they will become worried and there’s nothing to worry about. So I guess what I’m saying any advice would be much appreciated! (Am I glad or what my ex can’t see this either!lol)

This is the first break up that I have ever had where I feel truly alone. I feel a huge part of me is missing. It took me a long time to let my guard down with my ex and when I did, I fell pretty darn quickly after that. He became such a huge part of my life in such a big way in a short amount of time and I’m not even sure any-more what he was actually feeling. He made feel the happiest and the safest that I have ever felt before and now I have the hopeless feeling that he may have never cared for me as strongly as I felt for him. I’m tired of asking him if he did care about me, because why would he say no for? He’d be too terrified to tell me anything else,lol.

In all honesty, in thirty years, I have never felt like this after a break up. Sometimes it is extremely distressing and I completely zone out and pay no attention to what is going on around me (I nearly got hit by a car the other day). Has anyone else ever gone through this? Can you give any advice on how to help me through? What are some steps that I could take to get through this.

Cheers!*

*Update* I had this post scheduled and since then I am no longer in contact with my ex in anyway and have no plans of that changing shortly, but I would still appreciate the advice!

 

Getting ready…

Take a deep breathe,
Look at the phone,
Nope…No change,
Look in the mirror and roll my eyes at myself…(why would he call)

Tried to take the shower,
But the hot water hasn’t scaled the pain buried deep inside away,
Look at myself in the mirror again,
A million thoughts of how this night will probably turn out.

Look at the phone,
Nope…No change,
Step by step I put the shell on, already to defend myself,
The shell that the rest of the world will call a dress and make-up.

Check my phone again..Nope, no change,
I guess it’s time to accept that I have to go out,
Take that first step out into the horde,
The horde that is single life.

 

newgirls