I’m just a teenage dirtbag, baby

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

The first big advice I would give myself, is something that I think I a lot of us would say. “Relax, and trust yourself”. I do think about it a bit too be honest, mainly that I wish I had kids a little bit younger. I’m still fertile though, lol. But I also am glad, because I can see all the mistakes every else makes, lol.

I would tell my teenage self, your family is never going to change, but don’t you get upset about that. That’s on them. You just keep doing what you need to do. Just be aware, that those feelings you get about Sarah and just stop wasting your time, NOW. It will be the only regret you have in life. Everything else works out well.

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Well,

I was so quiet over the weekend, and I do apoligise for that. Nothing really exciting happened. I just kind of was not feeling it. We’ve decided on a place, date, time of wedding that sort of stuff. But when you talk to people about money. Icky, lol,

I am one of those people, if you can afford it, pay it as soon as you can. Don’t beat around the bush, just do it. Unfortunately, not everyone else is like that. It’s very frustrating. My partner sort of fobbed around with paying the first deposit payment, so he was happy to let my Mum do it. I was not. It’s not even the money thing. Its the fact, that she will need to see the arrangements. She doesn’t HAVE too, but it makes things easier. Guess what that means…

And it’s already happened.

I’m not talking to my Dad…Again. Let’s be honest here, he doesn’t care what I think. He’s just trying to get at my Mum. Yes, even 30 years later. I unblocked him, after nearly a year, to tell him I was getting married…and he goes “Your Mum didn’t even tell me you were getting married”. Like, it’s not her responsibility to tell him, that is on me. It’s even on me really, if I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want too.

He doesn’t give a shit about me. He’s been telling my Mum all this stuff about the wedding, that he’s not telling me, things I need to know about. He told my brother about his suit, and not me, he told my Mum how he’s got money, but he told me he’s got none. Don’t even get me started with them constantly telling me what my brother “thinks”.

I am enjoying my time up too my wedding, and I don’t blame my brother for one thing. But I am going to have say something. I just have to word it “correctly”. I’ve already got one sentence, tell me what you think, lol.

“Reminder, I am the Bride, not *insert brothers name here*. If I want a poo coloured dress for my wedding, I will have a poo coloured dress for my wedding, and I will happily blame it on you. It’s like you people don’t know me at all”.

I have NEVER been the type of person who jumps when told too. I do the opposite, I would lie down on the ground, rather than jump. So telling me to do what my brother “thinks”, is absolutely NOT going to work. Funny thing, my brother has been really good about everything.

I will wear a poo coloured dress, just to piss them off, lol,

Mourning

Today is most of Australia’s “public holiday” to mourn the passing of the Queen. At first everyone was like “Yeah, public holiday”, but it’s getting weird. Because people are cancelling cancer scans etc. Which is so not cool. It was also made the Thursday, because on Friday, Victorians have a public day off for the Football Grand Final, haha

How Aussie, haha.

It was “nice” to watch the Funeral. It was so simple and lovely. The important parts were all there. Even before the funeral, funerals just make you think. No matter whose it is. Life, love, death…all the things.

Funerals, no matter the age are a chance to look at your own life and reflect. If you’re 9 or 99, another day is another gift, that not everyone gets.

Are you happy?

So sometimes it can feel really silly and completely stupid at the moment. So sometimes it can feel like you’re not happy.

But when you sit there and really think about it, you are pretty happy really. There is so much, personally, that I have good reason to be happy with. I have a good job that I like and I like the people I work with. If I could become affiliate on Twitch, that’d be even better! I feel with my partner, despite my own insecurities, we will be together for a long time.

Australia has it’s problems, racism being one of them. Generally though, we’ve got it pretty together now. Especially after voting out our right winged party.

Also generally, I think I could confidently say who I care about, who I don’t. Who I don’t mind anymore, because that’s who they are. Who my friends are, and who are probably not. In those quiet moments, when I take myself out. I am really lucky really. I know that I will always have a roof over my head, I can get food. As much as my body annoys me, I can still move, even if sometimes, not well. I have ways I can get help from different sources. I am very lucky. I think sometimes that’s why I fight for others. No one should have suffer. Being alive can be hard enough.

If I could win the lotto though, that’d be even better!

I don’t mean to brag and I am always feeling like I need to do better with my privileges. For now though, I am happy.

Already Seen…But not going to talk about

Well I’m over 2020 already,lol.

Oh my goodness, I don’t know why some people have decided that new year, means new “shitty” things to do,lol. I’m not going to go into too much details, but what I’ve already seen. One thing I have noticed is that the Right seem to have picked up this trait now. Where they get blocked by someone from the Left, because they think having an opinion is the same as a fact. A lot of lefties are tired of it and now just block people who like to “splain”, rather than debate. It seems now the right have decided that when they get blocked it has to be because they are right and we’re wrong,lol.

Australia’s PM called going to a fire fighters funeral as “tremendous”.

A certain War criminal who got pardoned now has his own online clothing site that all the social media sites can’t stopped advertising. -.- “Retired Navy SEAL Officer”…”He left the SEALS to do this”…This has probably made the angriest of all.

WWIII Seems inevitable now.

IT’S ONLY BEEN A COUPLE OF DAYS

This has not been the start I wanted to the new year. I was, naively, hoping maybe it’d be a reset, even for a week.

Nope, nup…I am not starting this way. I may not be able to do much, but I can do something for myself. No, this is not an excuse to buy that new light blue Charlie Bear Lion “Clock”. Something more…meaningful. “Clock” is really beautiful though. I was in the city and I was having a bad anxiety day. Going into the Teddy Bear shop always makes me calm down. I think it’s the “excuse” you have to pet something soft,lol.

So, I am going to join in on “On Dragonfly Wings with Buttercup Tea reflection challenge, from the start of the last year. “The Awesome Jar“.

Share Your World…18/11/19

Share Your World…11/18/19

We’re waxing philosophical in our questions today:

1. Can we ever experience anything objectively?  Why or why not?  (Now for the people who may not understand that idea, this is what objective means (definition wise):  Something that is not influenced by personal feelings or opinions). I think we definitely can. I think sometimes, depending on the circumstances, it can be hard or easy. I think it also can depend on how you were brought up. Yeah, it can definitely done be done. I think at the moment, it’s a bit harder to do. I had a conversation with someone today where because Trump said he wasn’t aware of the “phone call”. Then it must be true. So I showed him a whole lot of articles showing where Trump lied, including one today that involved Apple. So he may not be the most objective when it comes to telling the truth.
2. Do humans have a soul? Do animals have a soul? I think we do all have a soul. Including animals. I’m not necessarily religious, but I do believe we all have a soul.
3. Why are people told to respect the dead? (example: “Don’t speak ill of the dead”) I actually have no idea. I’ve been around some really horrible people who’ve passed away, or like famous “paedophiles, murderers” etc. When they die, people suddenly have a bad word to say? I don’t understand it personally. My mama did teach me though, “when you’ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all” So while others may speak well, I just try not to say anything.
4. Without using the names of specific people, discuss “the ideal” President or other world leader.  Saying ‘anyone who is the exact opposite of a certain orange skinned creature’ is cheating.  While (to me) that’s a true statement, there’s more depth to the question than to reduce it to one sentence. I honestly just miss seeing a kind leader. I see someone like Jacinda Arden and I can’t help but think “What went so wrong everywhere else?”

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GRATITUDE:

Share your gratitude!  Stories, images or thoughts all welcome.

Reflection

If you follow me on Instagram (Lady Lolly) You will have seen that this past weekend I was very lucky to be able to travel with my family on a Houseboat for the weekend. I didn’t sleep very well (I realised later that I hadn’t taken my anxiety tablet >.<) I felt so happy there though.

The reason we were getting together (with some relatives from overseas) was to say the last goodbye to my Pa aka Grandfather.

It was an really interesting weekend. It was completely lovely spending time with my family, I always enjoy that part. However, there was probably 30 minutes to an hour or so where it was so sad. My Pa passed away about 8 years ago now (still can’t believe that!) but he was a very special human being. He loved travelling up and down the river, so that’s where we spread his and his dog’s ashes. That and that’s where he wanted the ashes to be spread. We were waiting for the right time and with his family coming over from England, what a better time!

I forgot to take an anxiety tablet before I fell asleep and had a bad sleep and didn’t realise till the morning what I had missed. No wonder I felt so bad!

When we went to spread the ashes, everyone else was crying except for me. I got a little teary and I could not watch the rest of them crying, that did make me cry. I felt so weird about not crying and being as upset as everyone else, and that did upset me, as well as seeing them cried.

I did, I got angry with myself.

Then I thought about it a little more and I realised that the reason I wasn’t as sad, is because I truly believe I got my mourning out around the time of his death. I was also happy because my Pa had emphysema and I would NOT wish that death on my worst enemy, let alone someone I love.

I still do get sad, on his birthday, the date of his death. Even just the sound of his laugh, he had an infectious laugh and no one else can say “Hey, Hey Poppenjay, hope you have a lovely day” like he can. It’s just not the same.

The reason I’m writing this today though is because I was fully expecting to break down and have a good cry, so I was a little surprised with myself when this did not happen. Once again became worried that maybe I am a horrible person, I know this is not the case though. I couldn’t look at the rest of my family because that did keep setting me off.

Mid Year Wrap up and beyond…

I’ve been reading a lot of other people’s mid year wrap up and I thought it’d be a fantastic idea for myself to take a look back at this first part of the year, reflect, and then look at what I can do for the rest of the year.

Reading – Reading wise I have been really good in that department. I think that giving myself the challenge of reading a certain amount of books this year. Then putting my goal onto Goodreads, has been able to help me focus. Most of the year so far, I have been able to keep on track. At the moment I’ve currently read 12 out of 24 books, so I am on track still. I originally had it has just 12…a book a month…The reason I changed though was because I just kept reading at the time. It was the beginning of the year, I had all these new books. I was on holidays, so I read a lot. I have actually read more than that, for example, I am not going to put all the books that I’m reading from the Agatha Christie on my Goodreads profile. So I’m actually ahead. I haven’t reread any books so far either, because I’ve had a lot of other things to read.

Anxiety –  Anxiety wise I have been really well. I’ve only had one week where I felt like I was falling off, but then I had a good cry and I felt so much better. Than it occurred to me that I have not cried since I ended up in hospital. I’ve been trying to keep it all together, sometimes you just have to let it go. I have been finding things that do work for me and what doesn’t.

What does work:

• No coffee
• No alcohol
• Back up plans ie if the power goes out…Books to read, crafts to do, exercises, series downloaded, food to cook from scratch – computer, usbs etc.

Side Projects – I have been getting together over the last month or so, projects that I have finally decided to do. I’ve got candle making things, polymer clay thing. I’ve also got bought card making materials. I made Christmas Cards last year and everyone loved them, they took me so long to make, but people like them. Whether they were just trying to be nice or not, doesn’t matter…As I have decided to continue with this.

The Rest of the Year:

1. I actually have something coming out next week, that I am excited/nervous about. I’ve been getting things ready for it. Some of the things have not turned up, but I’ve decided to go ahead with it anyway. I figure everything else will come together.
2. I am hoping to get at least my L’s for driving! I’ve already taken the theory test once and although I failed. I hate tests, I suck at tests. I need to do something before I take the test.
3. Reading wise I am not going to change my number of books that I am currently reading on Goodreads. Two books a month is going really well for myself.
4. Anxiety wise. I am seeing my Doctor soon and making a mental health plan. Which means that I am going to be seeing a therapist more regularly. I’ve been doing quiet well, but I want someone to talk too about it, without feeling like I’m putting everything on my family and friends and bothering them.
5. I AM going to make more of a routine of doing Yoga and Mediation more. I have been slacking off and I have been feeling it!
6. I have also decided since my viewership has being going up quite steadily. Right now it’s at 760ish…If I can it up to between 900-1000 by the end of the year…I am going to do a give away at the end of the year, after Christmas. So you can get an extra present!

Restart 2018

Restart – The Daily Post – One Word Prompt

I have been doing a lot of thinking today and it’s been interesting. It was a huge coincidence that a lot of things I’ve been thinking about had to do with the one word prompt from the Daily Post – Restart.

I have not had the best start to 2018. In fact it’s been pretty terrible, my casual position with the Library was terminated…and no one told me.  I “lost” three best friends. I just recently discovered that one of my other “friends” from High School unfriended me as well, but kept my mother…Bizarre? (My mother unfriended her). The poor fool, none of the other girls like her. She keeps popping out babies (6 kids to four different dads) and the others HATE kids…Let alone the lack of respect of her and her children. My other casual job has given me less hours.

However, while I’ve been frustrated…I’m perfectly fine…I haven’t cried once. I am in fact…feeling the best I’ve felt for a really long time.

I know right?!lol

For everything that’s gone wrong…So much is going right! I’m now in talks right now to help volunteer at a writing club! I am completely scared out of my mind, but completely excited about it too…For every person that has “unfriended” me recently, I have gotten close to others. All the people that keep unfriending me, they have always been toxic to my life. Which mean that I am being left with those who really love me and care about me. Getting less hours, it’s been a kind of compliment as well, I am worth more than new workers, like literally…Because I’ve been working there longer, I get more per hour than they do…So it’s not a personal thing…I’m just worth way too much,lol…I have also become really social…I now have the skills to talk to strangers and make general chit-chat…Even two months ago, I would never have been able to do that. Having to see different people (doctors, hospitals etc) to talk about my health and my issues, it’s made me more upfront…This is it…This is me…

So while I wish some things hadn’t happened, or had happened at different times…If wasn’t for those people, those moments…I wouldn’t be here now. I’m even getting WAY more views on my Blog that I was before…I’m not sure what happened there,lol

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One month gone…

Can you believe it’s already one month down for 2018?!

So far I’ve:

• Spent a weekend away
• Started the busy period at work again.
• Started really meditating
• There was one week where I was out every single day…For someone with an anxiety about travelling…That’s a lot of travelling, but I made it!
• Made two different journals…One every day and one random. I don’t think I’ll make a post about them. It’s not that they are really personal, I just don’t think anyone would be interested in them to be honest,lol.
• I’ve started chatting to the people who i watch Safari Live with, out of Safari Live time. It’s been lovely and we’ve talked about very personal things.
• I’m still currently reading the books that I started at the start of the month.

I have felt really busy and that has been great! I think I am finally learning not to procrastinate so much anymore and that can only be a good thing! I haven’t felt stressed out as well. I think it’s because I am doing what I actually want to do. Even getting back to work, I was starting to feel like I really needed to see how I’d go, see how I’d cope. I haven’t been back to work since about end of October.

I didn’t really make New Years Resolutions this year. I stated more what I didn’t want anymore and what I did want.

What about yourselves? Did you make resolutions? Are you keeping them?