I have thought of what I want next year for my birthday…
I don’t want presents, and I don’t want money
What I want is a promise
From everyone who just wont defend me and makes excuses for people, especially family members who treat me like shit.
Too promise that they will never once say to me again, in any way whatsoever…That will never say to me again that will never put those people first.
I didn’t go to my non-birthday for them, or for anyone else. I turned up for me and to get presents that I MORE than deserved, and to dance. I swear even like an hour beforehand I wasn’t going to go. Then I thought, why the fuck shouldn’t I? I got free alcohol, presents and got out…but not for them.
Today is World Mental Health Day and its a great time to make a mental health promise to yourself. I usually do this every year, but I keep the promise to myself and usually don’t share but I felt like this year I will.
You can either write your own personal promise to yourself or you can select one of theirs, and I went with one of theirs. My promise to myself was to cut out my bad habits…They had a lot like eating healthier, sleeping better…But I felt like getting rid of bad habits, kind of covers that all? Below I’ve listed a few bad habits I want to get rid of, or good habits I want get into:
More home cook meals, from scratch, not just heating them up in the oven.
Drink more juices (except for orange because I’m allergic).
Stay off of Facebook for 24 hours once a week, even if there is nothing bad on there.
Get back into making my leg stronger (I’ve got sciatica, I need to make my leg stronger again).
It is no secret fact that the end of a year, any year, it makes people reflect and look back at the year and decide what they wish to improve on for the new year coming.
Last year what I did was instead of making resolutions for the year coming, I made a list of what I was going to leave behind in the past year. I actually found this was really a lot better than making promises into the future. Mainly because we don’t know what the future holds for us. So instead of promising myself that I would “lose weight” I worked on writing less emo-type posts.
I found that by making promises to myself of what I’m leaving behind, I could concentrate on that. I could work on myself and then I was able to work on things that were thrown at me in my future, things that I didn’t see coming. I have to say that personally it did work for me, so I shall be doing that again. Instead of starting new problems, I decided to work on old issues of mine so that I could leave them behind.
Here are a couple of things that I will be leaving behind in 2015:
Less talking about my ex’s, so I can concentrate on my new partner
Being unproductive and be more proactive on finding a job IN a Library, rather than just having a job.
MORE motivation for meditation!
What are your “tricks” for the New Year? Do you make resolutions, or do you do something else instead, make a goal for the new year?
I’ve only been on the online dating site for a couple of days and I already have two guys that I’m interested in and they seem interested in me too…
In the moments though when I am not talking to them and those silent few minutes before I asleep. I am suddenly reminded of the heartbreak that I have only recently endured and it comes all flooding back to me and then I am paralysed again by fear and I just want to go back to the beginning of the year and start all over again.
I don’t want to feel like this any-more, I want to be happy, I don’t want to be sad. It is easy to forgive, it’s hard to forget. I wish that there was someone who could just give me one big hug and tell me that it was all going to be okay and for once be able to believe it myself.
If you could read mind right now this is what you’d hear…
You see…the thing is…I am finding my life incredibly fun these days, there is always something to do and someone that I can see…Every now and then I can’t help but think that it seems so unfair that you’re not here with me having this fun…But then again you are the one that made all of this happen.
It should be me and you taking on the world, making it ours, we completely deserve it!
But my life is a lot of fun right now and I don’t think of nearly as much as I use to and the nightmares have stopped, well for the past week at least. Music is really making me angry for some reason though.
I can’t wait to fall in love again, I guess that’s one thing I can take from this. You did open up my heart to make sure that I knew that it was really there, so I thank you for that. I can’t wait too meet the one and experience all that life has to offer when you fall in love…But…it should have been you.
Some days I literally have to sit on my hands, or “gasp” do homework to distract myself from contacting you. I promised you that you never had to worry about hearing from me again. Why were you so stupid? Why couldn’t you have just said “I’m sorry…I never meant any of this too happen and I never meant to hurt you”. We only knew each other a short time, but there is a dark hole in my heart that I can’t fill up with anything else. That little hole just hiding there, I can feel just the tip of the beginning of that hole at all times.
I am off to have fun again and I will, it’s not meant to sound mean, but I don’t feel like I should have to be sad. I love you always (you never knew that either, did you?) I would have married you without hesitation if you had asked and I’ve never felt like that before…The thing is, you’ll never know any of this. I’m kind of glad about that, I wouldn’t want anyone to take that for weakness, I don’t want you back now.
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda…The thing is…It’s not you.
(So I wrote this is when I had an overwhelming feeling of anger towards my ex and I was never going to share it, but I think that a lot of people would understand where I am coming from and I had this thought that when I do meet the ‘right one’ for me. All this anger that I feel I am going to feel so ashamed of because I let some…idiot…nearly ruin any chance I have of falling in love again).
It’s okay to feel angry, it is truly alright. Just make sure that you learn and you try understand that not everyone you meet, a much as it seems to suck, will be around in your life forever. Some of them do not realise the potential that is there, and that is okay too. They need to learn to make their own mistakes and one day they will understand what they have done and what you had. This doesn’t mean you need or should feel like you want them back in your life, as long as they learn and never do this to anyone else ever again.
Just please promise me this, do not let this break you, do not let this make you hard and bitter. There are so many out there that look too you to make this day a little more magical, a much more fun place to be in. Yes, he is a moron who just easily threw away an amazingly rare thing. This does not mean that finding that amazingly rare thing will not happen for you again. Believe it, you know it will exist again, I know that you feel it here in the deepest depths of me, I know you feel, don’t ever lose that.
Someone like you was never ever meant to end up alone. There is nothing wrong, even in this day and age, to want the one who has your back, the one who will still love you even in the darkest places of your heart, there is nothing wrong with wanting the one who makes your heart smile, the one that even during Winter, will keep you warm and safe, even when they can’t be there, the one who will warm our soul. Most importantly, there is nothing wrong with being single while you find this one, you do not have to date anybody you don’t want too (though we both know it’d much easier that way).
Take these moments day-by-day, hour-by-hour, if you have too. I know it hurts so much right now and you fought so hard just to have it all disappear like it was worth not a thing. I know that you are wishing with all of your heart he had left you alone earlier, or that you had just never met him at all. I know that he has torn, clawed and scratched at every single dream, word and feeling that ever happened.
You will get through this. You will meet someone who will just make your heart dance and your mind sing. All of this will be yours, I promise you. You just cannot let this make you bitter. Your heart is so full of life and love and it is just waiting to burst open with everything that you have to give. Please, do not let this make you bitter and make your heart turn into a well of cement.