Doesn’t it feel good…

…When your mind goes completely blank on an ex’s name?

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The Past

28. The Past

This is such a hard one to think about and write about, because I truly do believe that we learn from our past. So I cannot think of just one experience or one situation that I am grateful for from my past, I am so grateful for a lot of things from my past. I guess that I could run with that, but that too me personally is such an easy way out. So, for your viewing, I have thought about a lot of situations and what came out of those situations that have made me the person that I am today.

In my past the thing that I am most grateful for, is my family. When I look back at every single thing in my life, my family (mostly immediate) are the ones who have always been there.

From the several times I’ve been bullied over the years, especially those times with two particular girls who really introduced me too “cuber bullying” I didn’t know how to handle it, every day or every time I’d make a post I’d get attacked. My family were there ones who took care of me, they knew how to keep me from going off the edge. My mum figured out what foods I could eat and actually keep down.

Every time

I have always felt like a new Monday, a new beginning to the week, is as good as time as any to say “Goodbye” to the old. Every time I feel like I’m saying goodbye to an old part of my life and starting anew, I always play this song…over and over…and over…and…over….and over again ~.^

What do you like to do when you say goodbye to an “old life?”

Uploaded by: Angelpuppets1234

Uploaded on 11 Mar 2008

(The description wouldn’t fit in, so its a link, tell me if it doesn’t work)
Song: GoodBye To You
Artist: Michelle Branch(?)

The Grudge

I had an interesting conversation with a friend over the weekend and it made me think how people will view grudges differently, depending on which side you are on That’s not too say that everyone is like this, after all we all experience things in different ways.

Let me explain…

Very recently both my friend and I both had people from our past that sent us friends on request on Facebook. Both people had been very cruel to both of us, for no good reasons. They both sent us a friends request with no message, apology or reasons why they felt like we should be “Facebook friends” and we both said no. One of us then heard about how their ex-friend was telling everybody how my friend was holding onto a grudge, and I was told “it’s in the past, why can’t I just let it go”.

I also have been in a situation where someone who used to bully me in primary school, wrote a message to me on Facebook and apologised. I accepted their friends request and I do not have one single regret.

I am a big believer in letting things go and forgiving people…not for them, but for yourself. Both of us can honestly say that we hold no grudge or even ill-will towards these people. We just don’t think we have to be friends with everybody. Clearly, the fact also that these people can’t even understand and instead of sending us a message to ask us “Why”, they decided to talk about it with everybody else, except for us. Which to both of us, shows us that really nothing has changed.

So, how about yourself, do you hold onto grudges?Are you good at letting things go? Do you believe some people will just never change? Have you ever been in a similar situation and what did you do?

Disturbia

As a few of you know I have this eternal love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love that it has all the people I love from Australia and Overseas on it…I HATE what Facebook can do, the insecurities it can bring, the bad memories that it can bring up.

Well over the weekend I had one of those bad moments and I haven’t been on Facebook since. To explain a little bit, one of my past relationships, my ex was not the person harming me, it was his room mate. However, when I went to him for help, instead of getting the expected response of “It’s alright I’m here” All I got was instead was “You deserve to get hit”…”You have it coming”.

Even after we broke up it never really stopped. Thanks to one group where we both had mutual friends, well people I thought were friends…When I did things they didn’t understand, why I didn’t ‘behave’ the way they thought I should after my breakup, instead of having an adult conversation, they’d publicly ridicule you, quoting you in meme’s you never even said. Needless to say I have been taking myself out, bit by bit, from that group.

I found out over the weekend that this ex was honoured for learning how to do Jiu-Jitsu…The fear, the dread, going back to that place, just instantly flew all over me. My poor now partner, thought that he had done something wrong, because I started to have a panic attack and couldn’t stop crying.

It was a weird feeling, something I couldn’t really explain. It was something from a real life nightmare. Knowing someone who thought I deserved to be hurt, can suddenly hurt me if he wanted to and know how to not leave a mark. The disturbing factor that this group of horrible people (there’s very little good about them) was honouring him for learning how to hurt me. I know it’s irrational, he’s not suddenly going to come after me after all this time. Still…

At the same time though I had, through my moments of blank mindedness, realised how lucky I was to be out of that situation. How taking myself out of that situation resulted in my now happiness.

White Ribbon (Australia)

Uploaded on 13 Dec 2009

Get Rihanna’s eighth studio album ANTI now:
Download on TIDAL: http://smarturl.it/downloadANTI
Stream on TIDAL: http://smarturl.it/streamANTIdlx
Download on iTunes: http://smarturl.it/dlxANTI
Download on Google Play: http://smarturl.it/ANTIdlxgp
Download on Amazon: http://geni.us/amzANTI

Music video by Rihanna performing Disturbia. YouTube view counts pre-VEVO: 48,070,735. (C) 2008 The Island Def Jam Music Group

Cravings

I really do love it when a random thought hits my brain sometimes it’s kind of like:

 Brain, Simpson

Any-ways, I was reading a few reviews on some really big movies over the weekend and I saw the same “complaint” about how, even though these movies have been proving really successful…”Hollywood can’t come up with original”.

Then seeing this over and over, and although I agree, and realising that I don’t even mind because I enjoy these movies so much. I started to think to myself, most of the movies coming out are either:

a) reminiscent of my childhood,
b) are “simple” and by that I mean, they have big bangs and bad guys vs good guys.

Then it occurred to me, maybe that’s it? Maybe that’s why these “unoriginal” movies are doing so well? Maybe we’re all craving more simplicity in our lives? A reminder of when time was more simple? I don’t know about you all, but I’ve never noticed a really annoying trend, where everything is bad these days, and on the great big grand scale of things they are really not bad things. When you think about these “bad things” you think to yourself, if that’s the biggest complaint in your life, you have it pretty darn good.

The Leper

One of my ex’s got married over the weekend and on the day in question, everyone treated me like a Leper, afraid I’ll break…I don’t care that my ex got married, this particular partner was the worst person I ever dated, but taught me the most about myself and my limits. What I cared about and got upset about was that, even if I had been broken I didn’t appreciate the fact that no one was talking to me and no one was asking me if I was upset.

“The Leper”

So you got married today, not that I cared, my heart become a ghost town over you for such a long time. You taught me the biggest lessons about myself, I had to everything drop off of me before I could pick it up and reattach myself again.

You were the one that taught me the most about how now to be surprised that people will disappoint you, the ones you think you are closest too, watch them. Don’t trust someone the moment they give you a reason not too. For this I thank you because this has been my hardest lesson to learn.

It’s been a few weird years since we broke up, people I once called family I barely know now, but still continue to talk about me, like they’ve known me at all. When I don’t believe they ever even did. Half the time I wonder what I even doing there to begin with. How did I know this people? They’ve not changed at all and yet I feel like I have changed in every way possible.

I am definitely not the same person I was. I’ve gotten rid of all the boil, the scars, the rotting flesh and I am re-emerging as a new person…Possibly even a Golden Goddess?

Leftovers

One of the things that I absolutely hate about my last ‘relationship’, was that no matter how much I know I’m better off and no matter how much I love and adore my current boyfriend. I hate how the past can affect us and damage us for someone who has never done a thing to hurt us.

To make a long story short, my last “relationship” ended up being a disaster and have no idea why. The only way I can explain it to myself is that I honestly was just a bet. I am decade older than my last partner and he chased me for months (nearly a year) full well knowing that I’m much older than him, but we ended up dating…for a month. Now his reason was alright (after nearly a year he realised I was much older than him)…

But as all my ex’s seem to do, they just seem to turn on me? All my breakups have been “amicable” in that we’ve both realised it’s not going to work and somehow all of my ex’s, even when they not great friends with the person, they’ve all gone running to the person who hates me the most? It’s put some serious trust issues, deep embedded in me. My last ex, for example, using to complain about this “best friend” of his more than I did and I had more of a reason to dislike this guy, and does not respect the guy. Yet, the first person he goes to, out of all of his friends, is a guy he doesn’t respect and knows hates my guts?

The whole feeling though of feeling stupid for having such strong feelings for someone who thought me nothing more than a bet, still stays with me to this day and I just cannot shake it. It annoys me to no end. I am extremely happy with my relationship and I can tell it bothers my current partner that I seriously struggle to open up. I just cannot help it.

Any advice?