As a few of you know I have this eternal love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love that it has all the people I love from Australia and Overseas on it…I HATE what Facebook can do, the insecurities it can bring, the bad memories that it can bring up.
Well over the weekend I had one of those bad moments and I haven’t been on Facebook since. To explain a little bit, one of my past relationships, my ex was not the person harming me, it was his room mate. However, when I went to him for help, instead of getting the expected response of “It’s alright I’m here” All I got was instead was “You deserve to get hit”…”You have it coming”.
Even after we broke up it never really stopped. Thanks to one group where we both had mutual friends, well people I thought were friends…When I did things they didn’t understand, why I didn’t ‘behave’ the way they thought I should after my breakup, instead of having an adult conversation, they’d publicly ridicule you, quoting you in meme’s you never even said. Needless to say I have been taking myself out, bit by bit, from that group.
I found out over the weekend that this ex was honoured for learning how to do Jiu-Jitsu…The fear, the dread, going back to that place, just instantly flew all over me. My poor now partner, thought that he had done something wrong, because I started to have a panic attack and couldn’t stop crying.
It was a weird feeling, something I couldn’t really explain. It was something from a real life nightmare. Knowing someone who thought I deserved to be hurt, can suddenly hurt me if he wanted to and know how to not leave a mark. The disturbing factor that this group of horrible people (there’s very little good about them) was honouring him for learning how to hurt me. I know it’s irrational, he’s not suddenly going to come after me after all this time. Still…
At the same time though I had, through my moments of blank mindedness, realised how lucky I was to be out of that situation. How taking myself out of that situation resulted in my now happiness.
White Ribbon (Australia)
Uploaded on 13 Dec 2009
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Music video by Rihanna performing Disturbia. YouTube view counts pre-VEVO: 48,070,735. (C) 2008 The Island Def Jam Music Group