Hindsight

Hindsight is 20/20.

How many times have we heard that one before? Is it because we always hear about that with abuse cases? Someone said something to me yesterday, “someone doesn’t become abusive overnight” No they don’t, but in every single case of abuse I’ve ever seen. When the family and friends look back, yep, they realise things.

Most of the time, people don’t want to see it. The people who can see it, usually become cut off, since the victim always cut off those people.

No one becomes abusive overnight, but if you actually LOOK and LISTEN, it’s more than likely the case, it’s always been there. I can’t honestly think of a case I’ve heard of or seen, where if you actually PAY ATTENTION, the signs are not there. They always are. Abuse victims very rarely will yell out “I’M BEING ABUSED”. But they are there, IF you pay attention.

Rowling is another one. When you actually look BACK, you can see how problematic issues have followed her for literal YEARS. And it’s always “I didn’t mean it like that” or she’d threaten to sue people. You can’t even make a joke about the things she has said, without her threatening to sue you. One of her charities was started with Baroness Nicholson, who isn’t just anti-LGBTQIA, she’s also anti-abortion.

In China, they took all the homosexual “moments” out in FB, two lines were cut, that was it. Not really gay representation, lol.

Speaking of which, my Mum has NOW finally decided to go to the Doctors, after months of random coughing. She has had trouble breathing, so NOW is taking a PCR test to go to the Drs -.- Do you know how long I’ve been telling her to get it checked out for?

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That mind is gone

Oh, I can’t keep still right now…I’ve been walking, pacing around the house tonight.

We had a little bit of a scary drive home. This bastard in a big black car, decided to “hug” my partners car ass. I couldn’t even see their lights in the side mirrors. They tried to take my partner over on a corner, at peak time, on a busy road. My partner had to then speed up, because otherwise, we all would have crashed. So essentially, my partner did cut them off, but you know, we don’t want to die.

The car than started to follow us.

They backed off (I suspect that they had a passenger) when we started to head in the direction of the local police station. But I have never been so scared in my life! Well only one other time. But I’m still shook and my partner is totally fine, lol

I’m a “Little Woman”, and so big black cars following, that are clearly already angry and agitated, scare me.

I hate big black cars, the people who buy them, never seem to care about anyone else but themselves. I freaking hate them.

I really wish some of you lived here and we could chat ❤ It happened about 4 hours ago, but my head still hurts.

Dan Vasc

Ah Uh!

*I have to apologise. I forgot to change this post a few days ago, to later. So some people have already liked it, and I’ve added a couple of things to the list*

You don’t have to feel like you need to share your moments here with us. I would though, just like to write about some big “AH UH!” moments I’ve had in my life. Not necessarily romantic, and not trying to “out” people. Just explaining in my life where I’ve gone to myself “That’s why that happened!” And then just being full and whole after that realisation. If you’d like to share though, please do!

This is a good thing. I feel like I trust you all enough to share this with you.

In no particular order:

• Reading the person’s status about myself “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”. This Witch is still very much alive, bitch! lol
• Silence after I told someone how much they hurt me.
• Watching someone be told they’re nothing but a “drama passive aggressive queen”, by someone they are completely in love with, and it wasn’t even sassy comment. AND THEY WENT AND LIKED THE COMMENT! Traumatic. Gee, if you can be that horrible to someone’s face, imagine what they were saying about you behind your back!
• Watching a lot of one-on-one conservations, think Oprah…well…mainly Oprah.
• I can’t even invite my friends to my “birthday party”.
• Thinking someone was annoyed/angry with me…trying to have a conversation with that someone, and they make it so awkward. They didn’t even tell me what’s wrong, but in that conversation I knew.
• When someone finally calls you names, that you knew where just there, but they FINALLY say it.
• This song…What I love about this song, is that it can apply to any kind of close relationship. Romantic, Friend, Family, etc.

Light-bulb! Bye bye toxicity

I had a really big light-bulb moment this week. The one big question that I’ve never really been able to answer is “Why did I keep my toxic ex-best friends for such a long time”. I’ve never really been able to answer why, I was trying to stop being friends with them a couple of years before we ultimately stopped being friends. But I had no idea how to let go.

Then I was talking to my Mum and how proud everyone is of her because she finally, after 20+ years finally said “No, we’re not changing the date”. Her ex sister-in-law, my aunt. Took my Mums side when my parents split. I think at first my mum felt happy and justified that they did. However, the problem is my Aunt and family are so far from perfect, but wont hear it but expect perfection from others. So even though I did not live with them, we still had to live up to their expectations. If we did not and they did a “poor you” to my Mum, we would hear about it!

Then there’s my Dad who complains how his brother winds him up, his friends wind him up. But guess who he takes it out on and guess who he keeps running back too. Even with my Gran, there’s a family ex friends of hers. Who literally said to her face “I don’t want to be friends anymore” They live in a small town and she constantly “accidentally” bumps into him, constantly talks about him. It’s been about 10+ since he told her he did not want to be friends with her. He’s apparently nearly died twice and has not reached out to her.

So, I’ve got all these adults whose strongest friendships and relationships are extremely toxic, some who have literally been told “I don’t want to be your friend anymore” And they wonder why I had a hard time letting go. At least I didn’t take so many years it took me into double digits!lol

Those moments

It has literally taken me all this time to realise that my ex best friend pretty much accused me of treating her WORSE than her abusive boyfriend.

Bitch had better never unblock or bump into me.

I’m half laughing, half REALLY angry…Laughing because it’s only now just occurred to me not only did she say that, but the other two ex friends of mine would have known that she said that and STILL attacked me and said nothing to support me…There is no way on this earth she wouldn’t have told them what she had said.

I also don’t particularly like being told I’ve treated someone else worse than a abuser. When I’m the only one who was really helping her.

Every time I talk or write about them…I end up swearing, which is not good! -.-

A cup of tea and reflection

So it’s pretty much already been the first full day of 2018 and do I feel any different? As I sit here, with my first cup of tea for the morning…I take time to reflect.

• I didn’t drink or anything, but I didn’t get up until 11am this morning. Someone in the area had their “doof doof” music on until 3am! So as my Pa would say “that’s the whole day gone!” Suddenly I understand this saying! It definitely does feel like I’ve wasted a lot of the day.
• A lot of the stuff that I need to get the year started is at my Mums house, but I’m at my partners house. So I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to get it…BUT…I still have things I can use at my partners house…So NO excuses!
• I am glad that I went and posted my “Not quiet a resolution” on Facebook. I have had such a positive response and of course the people who were never there are suddenly “concerned”. I’m not dealing with them for the moment. I shouldn’t have to tell them “I was in hospital” to my “best friends” for them to notice me. They honestly make me feel like I’m 5 again wanting attention, which in turn makes me feel a like I am a really crappy friend.

Excuse me…I need to finish this cup of tea (that I got for Christmas) and have another nap,lol

 

This moment…

Focus