Invisibility

I find this hard to explain because I consider myself to have a mild form of depression. This isn’t completely out of the realms of fantasy, since most of my Dads side of the family seem to suffer from it. The only thing is mine comes in waves if that makes sense? I’ll be upset for 30 minutes and then I’m okay again, or I use one of my coping mechanisms and I’m fine. Whereas others I know the low will go on for hours and that’s why I keep a lot of what I go through to myself. This is the “platform” that I have used to be honest and say for the first time to say publicly and honestly “I suffer from depression”.

Some of my coping tools are to just listen to a style of music depending on the type of mood I’m in, sometimes all that can through to my mind is to listen to some heavy metal music. Watching a comedy television show, I can only watch comedy through that time. How can I help others if I can’t be honest with them?

In Australia we also have this wonderful company called “Beyond Blue” (http://www.beyondblue.org.au/) If you are ever feeling down please look through this site, or if someone you know suffers from depression please read this site!

rebel circus

Odd one out…

Last night my best friend came in from Interstate. I have about three female best friends and ironically I could probably pick a “Sex in the City” character for each one of us (I would be the Charlotte in the group…but probably more after being influenced by Samantha). The interesting thing about my little groups of girlfriend is…I am the only single one.

Last night was fun and we talked and giggled a lot, but it was hard to hear about the problems they were having, especially when their guys are completely nuts about them. They are mostly things that they knew could be an issue later. I think that’s the hardest thing about being single, especially when you are the only one, is listening to how bad a friends relationships is, when it really isn’t and that they knew this issue would be coming up later.

I would LOVE a man who was devoted to me, who had my back, who talked to me, who tried to cheer me up when I am down. I have always had the opposite in my life. I have always had the guy who never had my back, including watching me get bullied mentally and physically by his roommate, the one who’d rather play a computer game then take care of me the night my grandfather dies, would rather spend Valentine’s Day with his friends than me.

I don’t get into relationships a lot, in fact, after 30 years I have only been in three relationships. My main problem is once I find that guy, I jump right in, and instead of letting it build up slowly and making sure that I am not falling for a façade. Except if I knew about a major issue, like children, marriage, career plans are likely to become an issue later I would never get into that relationship. I seem to find a lot that I am the only one like that. A lot of girls will get into a relationship to be in a relationship and that’s when the problems start.

True, I have nights where I feel so alone that I hold onto that pillow like I never have before…but I also know that one of the worst feelings in this world is feeling completely alone while you have someone lying right next to you.

Am I the only one who might WANT a relationship, but don’t feel like I NEED one? Am I the only odd one out…I would rather be alone, than feel alone.