Random Thoughts

So in 2010 I wrote this “Note” on Facebook (can’t believe it’s been that long). There’s this “app” on Facebook called TimeHop and it shows you the posts that you have made on that day over the years. I thought that I’d share with you all …

“There is strength that I admire the most.

 

It is not a physical one, it is the one that comes from within.

 

It is the strength that comes from knowing when everything else is going wrong you carry on you knowing you have people who love you, people who you know who’ll be there for you and never forgetting that.

 

There is a saying that goes something along the lines of its easy to be angry, rude and hurtful when you’re down, but there is real strength in being able to see the beauty in the world even when everything is going wrong.

 

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

 

I see it every day in my family who go on strengthened by the people we are surrounded by.

 

For that I am truly grateful.

 

Every day I try to live in honour of those who have passed before me, and although sometimes there are days that are harder, more wearing and darker than others. I always know that I am well-loved and I am reminded that this world is a beautiful place. I am reminded that I am better than the situation, and this make me stronger. I will NEVER forget that.

 

There is one thing that those who have passed taught me to truly be yourself is the greatest challenge in life itself, to not give into what others want you to be. To stand up every day and be held accountable for your actions and words against others, whether they are good or evil.

 

I am very proud and lucky to see that those who are held close and dear to my heart ARE truly who they are. On a bad day or on a good day. No matter what others may think, no matter what others may say.

 

For that is the strength I admire the most…”

 

“I shall end this with a few quotes that have inspired me today.  

 

‘You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. Mohandas Gandhi

 

Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water! Eleanor Roosevelt

 

My attitude is that if you push me towards something that you think is a weakness, then I will turn that perceived weakness into a strength. Michael Jordan

 

Physical strength can never permanently withstand the impact of spiritual force. Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. Anais Nin”

Welcome and Wanted

One of the hardest things about being in a relationship (especially a new one) is trying to ‘decipher’ and decode your partners quirks and habits. It’s probably one of the biggest messages that I can say when you are single. You NEED to find out what makes you happy, what behaviour are you willing to put up with and you NEED to stick with it.

One of the hardest lessons that I’ve learnt throughout every single relationship, and in all honesty I mean friendships and family. The hardest thing in any relationship is to feel wanted. I can honestly say that every partner that I’ve had, they never wanted to be around me. They always seemed to prefer the company of their friends, even if they were bad-mouthing those friends (which should also be a clue). Even with my “friends” I have had friends who have dumped me for other people…Hence why “friends” are in quotation marks. I no longer consider them friends.

When you are single, you think there’s this whole world that you are missing out on. I was always good at being single personally. You have to figure you out, I cannot stress this one enough. My current relationship is tough for me because I have so many insecurities, I’ve had to deal with a lot on my own in the past. I am not used for asking for help, I am more used to being upset and crying it out on my own.

Before you get into a relationship do things on your own. Reconnect with yourself. The major reason I am doing alright now is because I know that I’m fine, my current partner is not my other ex-partners, he is a whole other human being and has never given me a reason to doubt him.

Stand Up for Yourself (It’s okay)

I have been volunteering at the Library I am currently volunteering at for nearly two years now and I just found out recently that another whole group of my classmates were hired for actual casual work within this Library, even though they came after me.

This was probably the 5th group of casuals that have been hired since I started volunteering there. As you can imagine this was the last straw for me.

So this time instead of “letting it go” I decided to ask them if there was anything that they could tell me, were they able to give me some honest feedback? According to them I’m not doing anything wrong (they would have let me know by now if I was) I just hadn’t sent in my application in again since March. Which I’m struggling a little with since I sent them an updated resume in December, when I obtained my new employment…But whatever…

The reason for this Blog today is though, I was completely pleasant while making noise and making sure that they know that I am there and I will not be ignored and I will not be going away. With no need to be aggressive.

So stand up for yourself, if it’s something that you want (in my case working in this Library would be the ultimate career and the ultimate work location too) go for it! Sometimes they may genuinely not know that you are even there! You don’t need to be aggressive or nasty, but go for it!

Stand Up and make some noise! Let them know that you are there!

A letter to you, to know that I made it through

So I made it through today and here I am sure that everyone expected me to fall. I am so proud of myself today, I thought that I was going to fall as well. Even with everything wrong and hard that is going on around me, I made it through. I made it through and I did not have to pretend once. Every single smile was real, every joke I made, everything was real.

It would have been your birthday today and I hope that it was one you enjoyed and hopefully with this event may you grow and learn even more about all the wonders with this world, instead of the stagnant life of getting drunk every day. We will never be friends, we are just two completely different people, but I still want the very best for you. I will not forget what you did to me and I don’t think I should.

My heart is healing and I have another to thank for that, he is so honest. It is something that I can honestly say that I’ve never experienced, he keeps me safe but doesn’t play around. If he doesn’t like something he tells me, and he expects the same from me. I feel safe, truly safe.

And that’s the end of that chapter (Credit: Homer Simpson)

It’s time to say goodbye,
It’s time to turn the page over and start anew.

It’s time to forget and move on,
It’s time to make you a fictional nightmare that will never happen again.

“I want to forgive you and I want to forget you”.

…And I will…You treated me like my life didn’t matter, I think it’s fair I treat like you never existed.

You were the worst mistake I have ever made and will never make again,
You taught me so much that was wrong.

Why…WHY can’t I just have one knight in shining armor, it is all that I have ever wanted,
Why do I keep the douche-bags wrapped up in aluminium instead?
Why is it only me they ever treat like the dirt beneath their feet.

I am tired of you making me feel like there is something wrong with me,
When it’s YOU who should be feeling like this, not me.

I will not allow you or any other “man” make me feel like this again,
I want to shine in the sun, where I belong.

“To live would be an awfully big adventure”

Published on 16 Jul 2012

S10E13

I hate loving you…

I hate that you made me feel,
I hate that you made me happy,
I hate that you made me feel safe and loved,
I hate that I fell in love with you.

I hate that I was strong and never needed anyone,
I hate that now all I want is for someone to hold me,
I hate that now all I want is to fall in love,
I hate that you made the voices in my head quiet.

Because now they’re back, stronger than before,
Making me feel…That time at night, when all I want is too sleep,
I wont think of you and then…BAM! There you are, front and centre,
The nightmares wont stop…I just want them too stop.

I hate that I don’t think I’ll stop feeling like this until I start to feel for someone else again.

I say all this but I don’t want you back. I just want to stop feeling like this.

I feel like a little lost light.