I am sitting here with my best friend in the whole wide world…Jim Beam…He’s a great guy, reliable, makes me happy, makes me feel relaxed and doesn’t judge me when I get up to do my drunken dance to some truly horrible music (well at the moment I am watching “The Mummy”…may not be the best movie when you are by yourself…in the dark).
Trying so hard to distract myself, maybe Jim isn’t being a very good friend too me, all I can think about is you again…Like my other post ““It’s like Radar” that one stupid text! I’m surprised with how well I am coping, but I wish he hadn’t sent it. I literally had been thinking that day how I hadn’t thought of him all day and then two hours later…
How do other people distract themselves during times like these? I have actually never had an ex reach out and apologise to me before. Luckily for me I have a lot of homework that needs to be done, so I have been distracting myself with that and now I am watching movies…and everyone should watch this live feed…Pete’s Pond…You’ll even see me on there most days making comments, sometimes I’ll have it on in the background while I do homework…Elephants, Lions and Ostriches…Oh my!
If you could read mind right now this is what you’d hear…
You see…the thing is…I am finding my life incredibly fun these days, there is always something to do and someone that I can see…Every now and then I can’t help but think that it seems so unfair that you’re not here with me having this fun…But then again you are the one that made all of this happen.
It should be me and you taking on the world, making it ours, we completely deserve it!
But my life is a lot of fun right now and I don’t think of nearly as much as I use to and the nightmares have stopped, well for the past week at least. Music is really making me angry for some reason though.
I can’t wait to fall in love again, I guess that’s one thing I can take from this. You did open up my heart to make sure that I knew that it was really there, so I thank you for that. I can’t wait too meet the one and experience all that life has to offer when you fall in love…But…it should have been you.
Some days I literally have to sit on my hands, or “gasp” do homework to distract myself from contacting you. I promised you that you never had to worry about hearing from me again. Why were you so stupid? Why couldn’t you have just said “I’m sorry…I never meant any of this too happen and I never meant to hurt you”. We only knew each other a short time, but there is a dark hole in my heart that I can’t fill up with anything else. That little hole just hiding there, I can feel just the tip of the beginning of that hole at all times.
I am off to have fun again and I will, it’s not meant to sound mean, but I don’t feel like I should have to be sad. I love you always (you never knew that either, did you?) I would have married you without hesitation if you had asked and I’ve never felt like that before…The thing is, you’ll never know any of this. I’m kind of glad about that, I wouldn’t want anyone to take that for weakness, I don’t want you back now.
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda…The thing is…It’s not you.