*long post/drama incoming*
So no one from my immediate “family” is coming to my wedding, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I am not even kidding, they have made this such a horrible experience, I am angry that they choose to do this, but I’m happy, lol.
For those “playing at home, lol. I am getting married at the nearish end of this year. I chose the date I did because it works best. My partners family have all these things happening in October, including a nephews birthday. They actually came and talked to Terry and myself about it. So they ended up booking all these flights and accommodations, took time off of work.
In the mean time, I was talking to my brother about the wedding, because I wanted him to make my dress. I was really happy. Then I noticed one day that my brother had posted on his FB that he was organising a big Drag Event the weekend of my wedding. I wasn’t angry, I thought what a horrible coincidence. So I let him know, lol And we were both like “oh no” So individually we were both trying to come up with solutions. It’d only been a couple of days and I get a call early from my mum and her bright idea was for me too change my date. She would pay for the new date. I’m like “okay, let me think about it”.
This is all keeps happening, because despite my “mother” saying she’s talking to all these people all the time, but never mentions anything about her daughter. This isn’t the first time something like this happened, its just that this time, she’s attacking me for something I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. She’s pretty much asking me to put everyone else above me, people who haven’t treated me well, on the one day I should be able to just say no. I invited them, did I want them there? No, lol.
So I got annoyed. I didn’t handle it well, at the same time, I didn’t think I had done anything THAT bad. As my therapist said later though, I was clearly not coping. Before all that happened as well, I forgot there. My Dad was demanded who I could and who I could not invite. So being told I had to change a date that I could not change. I’m just sitting there going “Just leave me alone”. So instead all I got was “your mums had a hard life” “you’ve caused all this harm”, and my brother essentially held my dress with blackmail essentially.
Hint: Don’t let family do things for your wedding. Especially if your family really don’t care how they treat or speak to you.
So I was only speaking to my mum, eventually. I found out through her that one of my brother’s friends committed suicide, and then I found out that my brother was the last person to speak to them. So he’s got a bit of guilt, and he’s coming from interstate for the Easter. I reached out and said that since we’re not getting along, if we doesn’t want me to come on Friday, no arguments, I wont. Because, after all I am this terrible selfish person, lol. His reply too me was “We’re not getting along? You’re turning into Dad, lol” Now I know he was joking. Here’s the problem, we haven’t spoken in months because he accused me of harming everyone, and held my dress to ransom. And he can’t see the problem?
I started to speak with my Mum about what happened, and that I don’t want to hear anymore how he’s not her favourite. And too apoligise to me because the reason he speaks to like that, is because, she let him. Only last year, I found out that she knew he was calling me fat all the time when I was teenager. But that I should forgive him for it. I have forgiven my brother. My parents split when my brother was 10 and I was 12. My brother was allowed to do literally anything and everything. He stole money, he technically didn’t pass HS. And my mother defended him the whole time.
I was largely ignored by my parents.
Its’ not my brothers fault, that’s what happened. It is however, my parents fault, that they stood back and allowed it too happen. And now I know that she KNEW what was going, my brother definitely is not my problem.
So when I met with my mother face to face, I told her was happened and I started to talk about why it hurt me. She went into defending mode, again, and I had had enough. She started accusing me of picking a date on purpose, that my brother was really hurt by me choosing my partners family over him. That his nephew’s birthday is not a big deal. That I could have changed the date.
The funniest bit though was her constantly having to back track on everything she was saying, because she kept lying. I kept calling her out on it.
It was one of the most ludicrous conversations I’ve ever had. She’s sitting there telling her daughter to “get over” the fact that when I was 12 years old my Dad used to say to me that if I didn’t tell my mum he loved her, he would kill himself. That I have to get over. But my brother doesn’t have to get over that I “put my partners family over him”. I asked my brother, because as the terrible and selfish person I am, I was clearly not horrified at all, that my brother thought I was putting my partners family over him.
He’s fine, lol. That was just another thing she lied about.
I kept saying to her that she shouldn’t have gotten involved, and she kept blasting at me that she had every right to get involved. She should have let my brother and I handle it. We’re nearly 40 for pete sake.
So generally, I HAVE to have my immediate family at my wedding, but they don’t have to talk or treat me with any kindness or respect. Once again, I’m nearly 40, be thankful that I’m even inviting you.
I am so sorry, I keep going back to in my mind. None of this needed to happen. I keep thinking to myself “Maybe I could have done this different”, but then I tell myself “No, no, no…you’re in a no win situation and instead of MY family making it easier, they CHOSE to make it difficult”.