Miss Free =D

*long post/drama incoming*

So no one from my immediate “family” is coming to my wedding, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I am not even kidding, they have made this such a horrible experience, I am angry that they choose to do this, but I’m happy, lol.

For those “playing at home, lol. I am getting married at the nearish end of this year. I chose the date I did because it works best. My partners family have all these things happening in October, including a nephews birthday. They actually came and talked to Terry and myself about it. So they ended up booking all these flights and accommodations, took time off of work.

In the mean time, I was talking to my brother about the wedding, because I wanted him to make my dress. I was really happy. Then I noticed one day that my brother had posted on his FB that he was organising a big Drag Event the weekend of my wedding. I wasn’t angry, I thought what a horrible coincidence. So I let him know, lol And we were both like “oh no” So individually we were both trying to come up with solutions. It’d only been a couple of days and I get a call early from my mum and her bright idea was for me too change my date. She would pay for the new date. I’m like “okay, let me think about it”.

This is all keeps happening, because despite my “mother” saying she’s talking to all these people all the time, but never mentions anything about her daughter. This isn’t the first time something like this happened, its just that this time, she’s attacking me for something I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. She’s pretty much asking me to put everyone else above me, people who haven’t treated me well, on the one day I should be able to just say no. I invited them, did I want them there? No, lol.

So I got annoyed. I didn’t handle it well, at the same time, I didn’t think I had done anything THAT bad. As my therapist said later though, I was clearly not coping. Before all that happened as well, I forgot there. My Dad was demanded who I could and who I could not invite. So being told I had to change a date that I could not change. I’m just sitting there going “Just leave me alone”. So instead all I got was “your mums had a hard life” “you’ve caused all this harm”, and my brother essentially held my dress with blackmail essentially.

Hint: Don’t let family do things for your wedding. Especially if your family really don’t care how they treat or speak to you.

So I was only speaking to my mum, eventually. I found out through her that one of my brother’s friends committed suicide, and then I found out that my brother was the last person to speak to them. So he’s got a bit of guilt, and he’s coming from interstate for the Easter. I reached out and said that since we’re not getting along, if we doesn’t want me to come on Friday, no arguments, I wont. Because, after all I am this terrible selfish person, lol. His reply too me was “We’re not getting along? You’re turning into Dad, lol” Now I know he was joking. Here’s the problem, we haven’t spoken in months because he accused me of harming everyone, and held my dress to ransom. And he can’t see the problem?

I started to speak with my Mum about what happened, and that I don’t want to hear anymore how he’s not her favourite. And too apoligise to me because the reason he speaks to like that, is because, she let him. Only last year, I found out that she knew he was calling me fat all the time when I was teenager. But that I should forgive him for it. I have forgiven my brother. My parents split when my brother was 10 and I was 12. My brother was allowed to do literally anything and everything. He stole money, he technically didn’t pass HS. And my mother defended him the whole time.

I was largely ignored by my parents.

Its’ not my brothers fault, that’s what happened. It is however, my parents fault, that they stood back and allowed it too happen. And now I know that she KNEW what was going, my brother definitely is not my problem.

So when I met with my mother face to face, I told her was happened and I started to talk about why it hurt me. She went into defending mode, again, and I had had enough. She started accusing me of picking a date on purpose, that my brother was really hurt by me choosing my partners family over him. That his nephew’s birthday is not a big deal. That I could have changed the date.

The funniest bit though was her constantly having to back track on everything she was saying, because she kept lying. I kept calling her out on it.

It was one of the most ludicrous conversations I’ve ever had. She’s sitting there telling her daughter to “get over” the fact that when I was 12 years old my Dad used to say to me that if I didn’t tell my mum he loved her, he would kill himself. That I have to get over. But my brother doesn’t have to get over that I “put my partners family over him”. I asked my brother, because as the terrible and selfish person I am, I was clearly not horrified at all, that my brother thought I was putting my partners family over him.

He’s fine, lol. That was just another thing she lied about.

I kept saying to her that she shouldn’t have gotten involved, and she kept blasting at me that she had every right to get involved. She should have let my brother and I handle it. We’re nearly 40 for pete sake.

So generally, I HAVE to have my immediate family at my wedding, but they don’t have to talk or treat me with any kindness or respect. Once again, I’m nearly 40, be thankful that I’m even inviting you.

I am so sorry, I keep going back to in my mind. None of this needed to happen. I keep thinking to myself “Maybe I could have done this different”, but then I tell myself “No, no, no…you’re in a no win situation and instead of MY family making it easier, they CHOSE to make it difficult”.

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Why I’m happy to be a “older” bride

I am telling you despite everything that my family have decided to play on me. I am really happy that I am doing this now, then when I was younger.

If all this happened when I was young, and there is no indication that it would not have. I would have been a wreck! When my family started what they’ve been doing now, I was a wreck. Unlike when I was younger, I KNOW it’s a them problem, not a me problem. I am also REALLY starting to realise what the saying “family isn’t always blood” is such a big deal, because it’s true!

What my “family” are doing, isn’t want family are supposed to be doing. It’s just amazes me how all these people, my Dad, my Mum and my brother, just make all about them. I’m serious, not one them have seemingly gone to themselves “How can we help Lauren”. It’s all been “nope, you’re just terrible”…”nope, what you’re saying is wrong” (I’m not).

I also feel though, I can actually have more fun with organising it. Its like everyone I meet tells me the big regrets that they’ve had, was not doing it for themselves. They had to cater to this person, and at the end of the day, it’s one day. It should be about the two people marrying, not what everyone else wants.

I am the bride, right?

Last post about this, because I am doing a lot better. This weekend has been hell!

I was already writing a email to my Dad, and generally my immediate family letting them know what my rules are. I don’t go on Facebook that much, but I was bored one night. I’d been cleaning all day and using my new steam cleaner, which I love.

So I’m on Facebook.

I see my brother, who’ve I’ve been working on the dress with, has organised a Drag event, from dates 16th-19th of November. We’ve just paid the non-refundable deposit for my wedding. The 18th of November. Oh, that’s not even the “best” bit. I just assumed that my family if they had big things going on, they would ask me about my date, knowing we’re getting married in Spring this year. My partners family all did.

I had no idea about this thing he was organising, and neither did anyone else.

Honestly, not a drama. If you’re idiotic enough to organise such a big thing without saying a word to your family, especially your sister, who you know is getting married at the end of the year. That’s on you. His whole thing is an entire weekend, and my Wedding doesn’t start until the afternoon. So come during the day, spend a few hours and fly out again. A lot of flying, but again, not my problem.

I get a call from my Mum on Sunday morning, telling me that she “feels” I should change my wedding date. Because she “feels” that although it is my day, all three of us should be at my wedding. She even offered to pay all the out of pocket expenses.

I hung up from that conversation and I got madder and madder and madder.

I eventually let them all know exactly how I felt about them all. I let them know how dare they and reminded them this is not MY problem. If you don’t have the decency and respect to come speak to me when you know perfectly well what time I am planning on getting married, it’s your problem, you sort it out. Especially since we have been working with my partners family and their travel plans. I let them know that I didn’t want to hear from any of them for a long time.

At least I can rest now, knowing that I wont be judged. I just kept repeating “I cannot deal with you people anymore, do you know how insane this is”? This has been a “theme” of my life, my brother is the god child and I have to sacrifice every time he makes a mistakes. Not happening this time.

Fun! … Enjoy the food!

Lets do something different, lets do something that gives our brains a break.

Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell ‘angry’ over HBO adaptation

Elsewhere on the podcast, Bushnell said that “women’s real sexuality looks a lot like Samantha Jones”.

I am aware of how this day brings up conflicting emotions for people, and I am not even talking about the Native American Tribes, either! I do not need to get into that with you all, you’re good people, you know.

I’m not American, so I will say as little as possible. Just I hope you have good “things” to be thankful for, and that you stuff yourselves with glorious foods products!

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02 November, 2022

Thursday Theories – I’m too old for this shit

I am too old for this, lol

Imagine coming home after you had teeth removed, your brother who (I wrote about calling me fat when I was a teenager and my mum being alright with that) doesn’t even send you “are you okay” text. You make fun of them for showing NO support and your mother calls you “unbelievable” for doing so, but will look you dead in the face and go “I don’t have a favourite child”

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING WOMAN!?

And THEN I found out, even though my Mum had been on constant communication with her side of the family ALL past weekend. Since she’s now working with one of my cousins, told none of them about my wisdom teeth removal.

I want my own family, and my own human baby, so I don’t have to go anywhere, lol

What are you “too” old for anymore? This is fucking ridiculous man, I have got to write in my diary.

Oh, families

My Deadly Relation: Fred West

Doug West (Fred’s Brother) and Sam West (Fred’s niece)

I was watching the above program, and it was really quiet interesting. You know, I never once even thought about the Wests having a family separate from the one that they harmed and killed. I guess, in a way though, that they have been harmed.

Doug West, seems like such a sweet man and the complete opposite to his killer brother, Fred. Doug, kept saying that he felt the need to apoligise to the families who were harmed by Rose and Fred. As Sam West pointed out as well. One, that Doug should never apoligise for what Fred and Rose did, because Doug didn’t do it. Also, two the West family, lost family members too. I don’t mean Fred, I mean the girls that Fred and Rose West killed, including their own daughters, Doug’s nieces.

I couldn’t help, sitting there and watching Doug and Sam West, they are lovely, people! Doug just seems like the nicest guy. It was really hard for me to put him and Fred and John, together. I also had no idea that another West brother was also being looked into harming minors, and hung himself.

I am Me =D

I don’t know if I’ve told you all this before, but when I ended up in hospital after my having a massive anxiety attack. For myself, I put it down too the “real stuff” that set my brain off. The “new age” stuff helped my brain calm down again.

I couldn’t get through my anxiety without either. The “real” or the “new age” ‘stuff’.

So when I hear my own father say that the new age stuff failed me, you don’t know me. You wouldn’t say too me if you knew what I’ve been through.

What’s better than Christmas Shopping?

Well…For some you, you may absolutely hate it. My mum were going to go Christmas Shopping together this weekend.

Well, instead my Mum decided, instead of shopping. Too bring my Gran down from her home, to spend the day cooking with us, too make her famous shortbread for Christmas! Whether or not she’ll remember her recipe, is another question…But it’s kind of not the point. Like, I think it’s a much better idea than Christmas Shopping. She’ll forget and as soon as she gets back to her home, shell probably ring my Mum or Aunt 10 minutes later.

But not everything is about her, haha.

Michael Bublé

Mama says…

When I said I don’t know where I get my taking on everyone’s battles for them came from. My mum and dad are both pretty laidback, except when it really matters. My mum jumped on the back of a bully who was burning out cigarettes’ on a kid. My Dad either took on the Union, or he was forced to become part of the Union.

That I am a hopeless case…

I am 100% a Taurus, I’ve got Irish Catholic blood in me, and I am exactly like my Great Grandfather aka Papa Joe. She thinks if he was still alive today, and the current state of the world, he’d have another heart attack.

I got it from my Papa Joe

The Category is … Kindness

I am currently binge watching season 3 in Pose. 15 minutes in and I am bawling and loving it all over again. For those who don’t know (and I don’t know how you don’t know ~.^)

Pose (stylized as POSE) is an American drama television series about New York City’s African-American and Latino LGBTQ and gender-nonconforming drag ball culture scene in the 1980s, early 1990s in the second season, and the mid-to-late 1990s in the third season. It’s one of the first television series, to be mostly with trans gender actors and staff. It’s amazing!

In 24 hours though, I’ve kept being reminded of the little kindnesses that can make someone’s day.

The first episode of season 3 Pose, is about the family come back together to watch O.J. Simpson on the run. I love the POSE family, haha.

Shilpi Somaya Gowda