Talking with the girls (as one does) and we were talking about which ex’s do we regret the most. I’m not sure that I actually regret any of my past relationships, however there is one relationship that has an interesting way to view it and I wonder if I am alone in this.
My last relationship I felt like he was lying so much about who he was, that he never knew who I was. To me there is not way that he could possibly have cared about the real me, because if you don’t know who a person is…How can you possibly know what can hurt them? How would you know what they would consider to be a betrayal?
I put it down to this, it was like dating an actor, but dating their amazing fictional character and then realising, disappointingly, you were dating this whole other real reality. It’s the best way that I can think of to explain my last relationship. I think that’s why I find it so hard to get over what happened…Who did I date? Did I date the man, or the character?Any ways…Don’t matter no more ~.^ hehe
So having one of those “days” got into a fight with a ‘best friend’ of mine…I should be reminded that if someone doesn’t want to leave a relationship that is more than unhealthy for me you either a)say nothing or b)accept that you’re going to be blasted for wanting to be protective. Guess which one happened to me! (In case you can’t guess, it was option B,lol).
The weird thing that I’ve been perfectly fine, even though I’ve been called “fake”, passively aggressively though. I’m not even sure why that is, these are my BEST friends. There’s one or two who aren’t necessarily taking sides but they’re just letting me know they don’t think the same way the others are. I can take comfort in the fact that I feel strong too, I wont even let my best friends talk shit about me.
I guess when you speak the truth and you are coming from a genuinely honest concerned place, I guess that makes all the difference.
Came home from the whole family Christmas do, full as you like with food…Most I have ever eaten ever at Christmas, I kid you not! Having a shower and feeling like I can finally wash the last couple of crazy days off of me for another year (until we have to clean up tomorrow of course). Just thinking as you do in a shower about the whole year in general and it occurred to me.
I never wanted the “perfect” boyfriend I wanted a real one. When I’d tell people how you’d changed in that one week after we broke up and how I felt like I had never known you at all. All people would say to me was “Aww, but he was trying to impress you”…But I never wanted to be impressed, I just wanted you to be real with me…How can you have never have gotten that? When I think about it now I have started to realise that I probably never knew the real you. I’m right, I never did know the real you…Not for one single second the entire time.
I don’t hate you any-more and I don’t miss you either. Quiet honestly it doesn’t matter whether your around or not any-more. I don’t really think about you, because the person I cared about, was never real. It feels like I was in some sort of Disney movie and you turned into my “Hans” of Frozen. Whatever happened between us and whatever we may have “gone through” together feels like some sort of horrible romance comedy now. None of it feels like it was ever real.
I guess the reason that I’m writing this is because I need to say goodbye. I have absolutely no idea why you decided to treat me the way that you did, but you did and I have to live with that, but I am not going to make this one chapter my whole book. I have a feeling that this may be one of those “Choose your own adventure” type chapters. Where I can have many different scenarios to choose from, but the ultimate ending is still the same.