Leftovers

One of the things that I absolutely hate about my last ‘relationship’, was that no matter how much I know I’m better off and no matter how much I love and adore my current boyfriend. I hate how the past can affect us and damage us for someone who has never done a thing to hurt us.

To make a long story short, my last “relationship” ended up being a disaster and have no idea why. The only way I can explain it to myself is that I honestly was just a bet. I am decade older than my last partner and he chased me for months (nearly a year) full well knowing that I’m much older than him, but we ended up dating…for a month. Now his reason was alright (after nearly a year he realised I was much older than him)…

But as all my ex’s seem to do, they just seem to turn on me? All my breakups have been “amicable” in that we’ve both realised it’s not going to work and somehow all of my ex’s, even when they not great friends with the person, they’ve all gone running to the person who hates me the most? It’s put some serious trust issues, deep embedded in me. My last ex, for example, using to complain about this “best friend” of his more than I did and I had more of a reason to dislike this guy, and does not respect the guy. Yet, the first person he goes to, out of all of his friends, is a guy he doesn’t respect and knows hates my guts?

The whole feeling though of feeling stupid for having such strong feelings for someone who thought me nothing more than a bet, still stays with me to this day and I just cannot shake it. It annoys me to no end. I am extremely happy with my relationship and I can tell it bothers my current partner that I seriously struggle to open up. I just cannot help it.

Any advice?

30 Days of Gratitude…Days 1 – 7

Day 1: New Hope  – Today was a weird day as originally I had a full day and night full of things to do and then over the last couple of weeks there became rapidly less to do, till finally all I had left to do was to attend a wedding ceremony which was only lasting an hour. Watching this lovely young couple made me realise how much I want to get married with the right person at the right time.

Then it occurred to me that I am not bitter towards my ex, or indeed any ex or any past relationship. “It is better to have a broken heart, than no heart at all” as my favourite Doctor in the whole wide world says. It was then that it occurred to me that I am so grateful to have heart that has gone through so much and yet it is so full of love. Whereas I have seen so many that turn bitter and cold and you can see how it is destroying their lives. I am grateful for my heart.

Day 2: My Mum – I know this sounds like a really sappy one, but it’s the truth! I have a great Mum! I realised this as she was picking me up from a far away place so I didn’t have to taxi back. I have decided to surprise her and take my Learners as a special Christmas present to her (I have to pass obviously). So it’s going to be a secret until I’ve passed. It may not seem like much to a lot of people, but I know how much it’ll mean to my Mum =D I’m hoping to have passed it by the end of this month, so I can show her right at the beginning of December. I am grateful that I have such a caring mother.

Day 3: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met – I haven’t written friends or best friends because sometimes it can be people who we don’t know very well that can surprise us the most. Take today for example, I had a unexpected break down in feeling like a failure because I don’t feel like I am progressing through this year as I would have liked. I expected by the end of this year that I was going to have my dream job and my dream man. I have come SO close to having both and lost both through no fault of my own. Today though I had a bit of a break down on Facebook and I received this message from someone who I added but haven’t spoke too, and they sent me a private message about how they were shocked with how much I thought that I was failing. They let me know that it was sad to read because I send such a positive message on Facebook and they had no idea how badly I had been feeling. We had a good chat and I was so grateful that someone reached out when I needed a good chat the most.

Day 4: Volunteer Work – I am just grateful for the volunteer work that I’ve been allowed to do. My co-workers believe in me so much that they keep giving me different tasks to do and it makes my Library skills so much stronger. I wonder how much responsibility would they give me, if I was just a casual worker? I love where I volunteer and I am grateful to my co-workers to inspire me and remind of the hard work I put in, especially when I’ve given up on myself. When I feel like I am getting nowhere in my work, this reminds me of how much better I’m becoming.

Day 5: The Laughs – So I am having a really hard time with a project, it just never seems to end and in the middle of “about to blow my own mind up” a friend sent me a picture that made me laugh really loudly (in a cafe =S) I am so grateful for friends that don’t just ignore when I say “I’m about to explode” and they ignore…They actually try to make me laugh. Sometimes all I need is that 5 minutes of pure laughter. I am also doubly grateful that over this entire last year I have found those friends..SO much gratefulness!

Day 6: My ex – What a weird concept to be grateful for an ex! My first love (we’ll name him Reno) and I were together for about 3 years, the break up wasn’t really messy between us. However, there was a girl who created a lot of problems and it ended up badly. After a few years though we reconnected and now he is one of my best friends and I am so grateful for that! He keeps proving to me that he knows me better than anyone and gives me amazing guy advice. The last couple of months have been rough for me and he never seems to be mind when I get upset with men in general. I’ve been talking to him this past week and he knows not to keep going on about my last ex, but he keeps a conversation going. I realised a lot of people only seem to talk to me when they think I’m down rather than just having a normal conversation (or when they want something). Not Reno though, I didn’t realise until I started thinking about this whole grateful thing. Sometimes a “normal conversation” can be just what I need, so not everything is still about “him”.

Day 7: Books – It felt like such a funny thing to be grateful about. I am so grateful that I have had a good education to read the books that I enjoy. There are so many people out there that do not have the some luxuries that I have been able to have in my life. One of these is a good education which means that I am able to read the books that I enjoy and love so much. That gives my mind a break from the “real world”.

Grateful1

It’s like Radar!

LaurenConrad

Three Guesses what this Blog post is about!

I got the text…The text that you don’t see coming…You’ve moved on so far it doesn’t enter your brain that when you feel your phone vibrate there is no warning sound…No loud alarm…No warning before you swipe to say “DO NOT OPEN UP THIS PHONE UNTIL YOU ARE READY!”

So I am going to make him suffer…”All this I am so sorry stuff” So he should be! He can wait until tomorrow!

The 19 realest things Lauren Conrad said on “The Hills” that are still relevant today!

Always here too me…

I promise that I will stop posting the depressing blog posts about break ups soon, I have a slight feeling that I am feeling a little better. I have stopped talking to my ex, cold turkey. He didn’t do anything wrong I just realised that I was not moving on and so far this actually seems to be working. I was just having this random thought and at the moment I’m not really sure that I even know how to talk to my friends and family about it, mainly because I am worried if I let them know how I’m feeling, they will become worried and there’s nothing to worry about. So I guess what I’m saying any advice would be much appreciated! (Am I glad or what my ex can’t see this either!lol)

This is the first break up that I have ever had where I feel truly alone. I feel a huge part of me is missing. It took me a long time to let my guard down with my ex and when I did, I fell pretty darn quickly after that. He became such a huge part of my life in such a big way in a short amount of time and I’m not even sure any-more what he was actually feeling. He made feel the happiest and the safest that I have ever felt before and now I have the hopeless feeling that he may have never cared for me as strongly as I felt for him. I’m tired of asking him if he did care about me, because why would he say no for? He’d be too terrified to tell me anything else,lol.

In all honesty, in thirty years, I have never felt like this after a break up. Sometimes it is extremely distressing and I completely zone out and pay no attention to what is going on around me (I nearly got hit by a car the other day). Has anyone else ever gone through this? Can you give any advice on how to help me through? What are some steps that I could take to get through this.

Cheers!*

*Update* I had this post scheduled and since then I am no longer in contact with my ex in anyway and have no plans of that changing shortly, but I would still appreciate the advice!