13. Write what you are excited about
I am excited for the future. I am excited to be really help myself. It was interesting, because last night, I was really depressed. I haven’t felt like that for a LONG time. I felt very alone. All because of family, but as I’m sure you all know. What comes from those moments, is that we are shown who we really are. I started to think about how over the years. When ever something bad happened to me.
When ever someone treated me badly, everyone agrees that what they did was wrong. But yet, I would always be left feeling, like I deserve the way I was treated. Because others would do nothing, and then ask me to step up for them. Tonight, family who I thought didn’t like what part of my family had done. Originally none of them were going to their birthday, in support of me. Now they’ve all decided that they’re going, because…I guess they haven’t gone to a party in a long time? I only found out last night, hence, the very dark low last night.
Last night, I had never felt so alone in my life. Thinking of every single time, I’m treated badly. Literally everyone agrees what they do is wrong…But, they still go to their parties? Then turn around and say “I care about your health”…No, you don’t. It’s not rocket science, when you care about someone’s health. You don’t make it worse!
36 years into my life and I realised for the first time,I am alone. But that’s okay. It’s makes when I finally get married, easier for one,lol. I’m not even married or engaged, but I get hassled all the time about who I can and cannot invite too MY wedding. My mum has already what colour dress I can’t have at MY wedding. I’m continually hassled by the horrible people in my family about the music at MY wedding. I thought a long time ago, I’d never get the chance to be a bridezilla, because I’d never be in charge of MY wedding,lol. But everyone keeps telling me how the family need a big happy party, like a wedding.
Last night I said to myself and my partner. Fuck them, they don’t deserve it. Where do they think they deserve a party? At MY expense? My partner and I can elope. Then I can wear whatever colour dress I want, play whatever music we want. Just thinking about it, makes me feel SO much better already. And that makes me excited.
Update: My horrible part of my family party is CANCELLED!!! The whole backyard flooded. I couldn’t help but thank all those have passed on for making it happen either. It’s nice to know that even in death I still have “homies” for life.
I’ll see you soon…Just, hopefully not THAT soon. I got some living to down here. Tomorrow is another day.