One of the things that I absolutely hate about my last ‘relationship’, was that no matter how much I know I’m better off and no matter how much I love and adore my current boyfriend. I hate how the past can affect us and damage us for someone who has never done a thing to hurt us.
To make a long story short, my last “relationship” ended up being a disaster and have no idea why. The only way I can explain it to myself is that I honestly was just a bet. I am decade older than my last partner and he chased me for months (nearly a year) full well knowing that I’m much older than him, but we ended up dating…for a month. Now his reason was alright (after nearly a year he realised I was much older than him)…
But as all my ex’s seem to do, they just seem to turn on me? All my breakups have been “amicable” in that we’ve both realised it’s not going to work and somehow all of my ex’s, even when they not great friends with the person, they’ve all gone running to the person who hates me the most? It’s put some serious trust issues, deep embedded in me. My last ex, for example, using to complain about this “best friend” of his more than I did and I had more of a reason to dislike this guy, and does not respect the guy. Yet, the first person he goes to, out of all of his friends, is a guy he doesn’t respect and knows hates my guts?
The whole feeling though of feeling stupid for having such strong feelings for someone who thought me nothing more than a bet, still stays with me to this day and I just cannot shake it. It annoys me to no end. I am extremely happy with my relationship and I can tell it bothers my current partner that I seriously struggle to open up. I just cannot help it.
Talking with the girls (as one does) and we were talking about which ex’s do we regret the most. I’m not sure that I actually regret any of my past relationships, however there is one relationship that has an interesting way to view it and I wonder if I am alone in this.
My last relationship I felt like he was lying so much about who he was, that he never knew who I was. To me there is not way that he could possibly have cared about the real me, because if you don’t know who a person is…How can you possibly know what can hurt them? How would you know what they would consider to be a betrayal?
I put it down to this, it was like dating an actor, but dating their amazing fictional character and then realising, disappointingly, you were dating this whole other real reality. It’s the best way that I can think of to explain my last relationship. I think that’s why I find it so hard to get over what happened…Who did I date? Did I date the man, or the character?Any ways…Don’t matter no more ~.^ hehe
We’ve all had one, haven’t we? That person that we want, that person we can’t have, the one that we can never have? You’re not in love with them and you’re not planning or are going to cheat on your current partner, but you can’t help but think about them. What would it be like to be with them, just one night with them? Even when you’re single and you still can’t have them, you want them, they’re the one you think of during the night, the one that “helps” you to get over your heart break.
I feel really terrible, with my fantasy guy, I could never have him. But I really want him, even for just one night. Even when we were both single and even before I met the guy I’m with now, I can’t have him and I really wanted him. You see, I woke up to hear him singing one morning and I don’t think he knew that I was there. He has the most beautiful voice I have ever heard and he plays the guitar…but I was lying there, completely falling for his voice, and at the same time I was lying right next to my partner, at the time.
I had laid there so still, as to not wake up my (now ex) partner and I just listened to this amazinginly beautiful voice signing one of my favourite songs of all time and strumming his guitar. Soak through the thin walls and into my mind and I haven’t been able to shake it out of their since. He’s been the one that I sing about in the shower, he’s the one that I think about in the darkness of the night and this will be the only time I ever tell about it to another soul.
There is nothing worse than a fantasy lover that you can never have.
The one who makes you feel like this… (the song that inspired me to write this post)