Random Thoughts…

I am at a school and I am in a prime spot in the Library to watch all the cars and people outside go by and since here it’s the beginning of Spring, you can probably guess that I am not actually doing any of the school work that I came in too do. Instead here I am, thinking about you…

I can’t help it I let my mind drift off and think about you and what you might be doing right now. It’s such a gorgeous day and I’m sitting here wondering if you’ve finished work yet, are you even at work, or are you wrapped up lying on some grass having a picnic somewhere with some another girl. I can’t forgive for how you’ve treated me after everything, but I can’t stop thinking about you either. About everything that could and probably would have been…and how we would have never have wasted a day like today.

I don’t want you back and yet I miss so incredibly much that it still saddens my every waking moment and although the nightmares have seemed to have stopped. I still have that 5 minutes before I fall asleep where I still think of you and everything that we could have been. I miss you with every beat of my heart and yet there’s just no way that I could tell you or let you back into my life.

I look really pretty today, I can tell by the way the guys are staring at me, but I hate it when they do it…Don’t they know I’m yours? Oh wait…No, I’m not. Well the sun seems to be going down and it’s getting darker, so I guess that I should thinking about you and my thoughts become as dark as the evening that is coming.

I miss you ❤

Odd one out…

Last night my best friend came in from Interstate. I have about three female best friends and ironically I could probably pick a “Sex in the City” character for each one of us (I would be the Charlotte in the group…but probably more after being influenced by Samantha). The interesting thing about my little groups of girlfriend is…I am the only single one.

Last night was fun and we talked and giggled a lot, but it was hard to hear about the problems they were having, especially when their guys are completely nuts about them. They are mostly things that they knew could be an issue later. I think that’s the hardest thing about being single, especially when you are the only one, is listening to how bad a friends relationships is, when it really isn’t and that they knew this issue would be coming up later.

I would LOVE a man who was devoted to me, who had my back, who talked to me, who tried to cheer me up when I am down. I have always had the opposite in my life. I have always had the guy who never had my back, including watching me get bullied mentally and physically by his roommate, the one who’d rather play a computer game then take care of me the night my grandfather dies, would rather spend Valentine’s Day with his friends than me.

I don’t get into relationships a lot, in fact, after 30 years I have only been in three relationships. My main problem is once I find that guy, I jump right in, and instead of letting it build up slowly and making sure that I am not falling for a façade. Except if I knew about a major issue, like children, marriage, career plans are likely to become an issue later I would never get into that relationship. I seem to find a lot that I am the only one like that. A lot of girls will get into a relationship to be in a relationship and that’s when the problems start.

True, I have nights where I feel so alone that I hold onto that pillow like I never have before…but I also know that one of the worst feelings in this world is feeling completely alone while you have someone lying right next to you.

Am I the only one who might WANT a relationship, but don’t feel like I NEED one? Am I the only odd one out…I would rather be alone, than feel alone.

 

My Friend

I miss you,
I never thought that I would,
I guess there is truth too,
“You never know what you’ve got till it’s gone”

Surrounded by boys playing with barbie dolls,
Guys who call me “beautiful” with no meaning behind it,
My heart aches,
For the special smile that only you could put on my face.

I want to scream,
I want to shout,
My heart is screaming out for you to reach out,
I miss you…My friend ❤