World Narcissistic Abuse Day

I did not know that today is World Narcissistic Abuse Day

#IfMyWoundsWereVisible

Narcissism Abuse if often unseen by others, including the victim of the abuse. This is because Narcissism is often both a psychological and emotional. It is similar to mental abuse, generally with Narcissism abuse it’s more unseen. A lot of people know something is wrong, but they can’t put their finger on it. They are not necessarily being put down, but they are…

…That makes no sense.

It’s something you would only really understand if you ever felt it.

With a lot of abuse it’s not just romantic relationships that can be affected by any kind of form of abuse. I have come to realise that this is what one of my ex best friends was doing to myself. When I stopped making my life about her, because I couldn’t do it anymore. I was cut.

Below I’ve posted a link that can show you some signs that you are the Victim of a Narcissistic Abuser. When I first read it, I just kept nodding my head.

11 Signs You’re the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

One of the last points is about fearing your Abuser and I actually do. It’s why I’m happy to keep her and some of her mutual friends blocked from my Facebook. I do genuinely fear her and her partner. My mum keeps telling to stop saying that, but I’ve watched too many crime channels to know that if something happened to me and I didn’t put my fears out there. They’d never know,lol. This is what narcissistic do to you, they make you paranoid,lol

 

Can I borrow a feeling?

Homer Simpson GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Well I clearly and blatantly ripped that title off =P I started to write this post while having a drinky drinky night with a friend and how certain songs just bring out an emotion in us and no matter where you are, or how you are feeling, at the sound of that first note, you will instantly be triggered.

Below I have created a list of certain situations, that probably we’ve all found ourselves in at some point, but these are the songs that just trigger that emotion for me. The links are all to YouTube

  • Any ex partner:

Within Temptation: Angels

  • Those who are in my heart and have passed: (especially for my Great GrandFather)

Wishing you were somewhere again – Phantom of the Opera

  • That day I become stronger than what my ex partners did:

Titanium – David Guetta (Madilyn Bailey version)

  • The ex partner that is messed up on in the inside, so you can’t hate them:

Better Than Me – Hinder

  • When I first start falling in love … Nawwwwwwwww

Your Guardian Angel – Red Jumpsuit Apparatus … Sometimes I sing this to my pets,lol

  • The song I can’t even listen to when my heart breaks:

I can’t break it to my heart – Delta Goodrem

  • When I start to heal again:

Dancing with a Broken Heart – Delta Goodrem 

  • When I’m feeling “sexy”: 

Get Sexy – Sugababes  … I will strut,lol

  • Me…Right Now

Enough  – Delta Goodrem ft Gizzle

The Magic of music

Over the weekend I watched one of my favourite musicals “The Phantom of the Opera” and there is one song…No matter, if I’ve been drinking or not, it makes me cry every time…Because it reminds me of a very special person. A person who loved musicals and the theatre. It actually reminds me of two people that I’ve lost that I was very close too, but mostly one of them.

Do you have a song that you have a hard time listening too, or a song that gives you joy because it reminds you of happy times?

Uploaded by: The Phantom of the Opera

Leftovers

One of the things that I absolutely hate about my last ‘relationship’, was that no matter how much I know I’m better off and no matter how much I love and adore my current boyfriend. I hate how the past can affect us and damage us for someone who has never done a thing to hurt us.

To make a long story short, my last “relationship” ended up being a disaster and have no idea why. The only way I can explain it to myself is that I honestly was just a bet. I am decade older than my last partner and he chased me for months (nearly a year) full well knowing that I’m much older than him, but we ended up dating…for a month. Now his reason was alright (after nearly a year he realised I was much older than him)…

But as all my ex’s seem to do, they just seem to turn on me? All my breakups have been “amicable” in that we’ve both realised it’s not going to work and somehow all of my ex’s, even when they not great friends with the person, they’ve all gone running to the person who hates me the most? It’s put some serious trust issues, deep embedded in me. My last ex, for example, using to complain about this “best friend” of his more than I did and I had more of a reason to dislike this guy, and does not respect the guy. Yet, the first person he goes to, out of all of his friends, is a guy he doesn’t respect and knows hates my guts?

The whole feeling though of feeling stupid for having such strong feelings for someone who thought me nothing more than a bet, still stays with me to this day and I just cannot shake it. It annoys me to no end. I am extremely happy with my relationship and I can tell it bothers my current partner that I seriously struggle to open up. I just cannot help it.

Any advice?

#1000Speak against Bullying…

#1000Speak

So about a month ago I participated in a “Blog Challenge” so to speak with a group of another thousand Bloggers to write a post about Compassion….On the 20th of March they are doing it again, except this time we are writing about a very hot topic, Bullying and Bullies.
https://lolsyslibrary.wordpress.com/2015/02/20/1000/

At first I was wondering if I even wanted to really participate this time, I have been bullied and just this week felt that at the hands of a family member for another time. It was interesting though because it started to make me think, why is it always me who feels ashamed? These people have treated me appallingly bad with no actual good reason. Many, when I have confronted them, avoid the situation altogether, which is slightly ironic.

Then that started to make me think, 30 years of feeling badly about myself because of the words and actions of others who are beneath me…I am tired of it! Physically, emotionally and mentally I am tired, this week was the first week I actually told a bully to “get lost”. Then I started to look back at all the years I’ve been putting up with being bullied…NO ONE should have to do this! NO ONE should have to “put” up with it. Then I started to worry about all the people that are just “putting up with it”…This is for you…

You are not alone,
You are never alone,
Please never think you are alone,
YOU ARE LOVED…BY SO MANY!

We are all here for you,
All you have to do is reach out and grab our hands,
Grab on, hold on tight and we wont let go,
You are beautiful, you are sweet and you are kind.

That is something that they can never understand,
They can never fathom the kind of strength it takes to care,
They cannot understand that you are so perfectly, wonderfully, different,
They are scared of what they do not understand and what they can never be…They don’t have the guts to be who they truly want to be.

They see something in you that they wish they had. After 30 years of being bullied, this is something I know, something that I understand.

 Bully
(Please click the picture above to be taken the #1000Speak twitter page)

The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies…No spoilers!

Well…I finally got around to seeing the above movie title “The Hobbit…The battle of five armies”…What can I say? I am emotionally drained. While I don’t want to give to much away, I mean it must have affected me in some way, I feel really emotionally drained. The only other time that I’ve felt like this was after break ups. I guess though it is more than likely the end of an era. I keep randomly bursting into tears.

I realised a little while ago as well, all of these JRR Tolkien, Peter Jackson movies have been around in some form or another for HALF my life. I guess when something has been in your life for that long, I guess it does feel like a little like I have to “let it go”. I mean how often is anything these days in your life for half your life. I mean how marriages started and ended during 2001 and ?lol.

I have to say that I enjoy it, I did feel though like a lot of others it seems, there were just some scenes that should have been left as it had originally written. I don’t even mind the whole love triangle thing right up until it killed a scene that really should have been between two other major characters that were actually in the book.

It’s just so weird though! I feel SO drained, I think unless you’ve felt like this it is hard to explain. Can you be in love with a fictional character? Can a fictional character truly represent everything you want in a man…or dwarf in this case. Even with all of his faults, there is something about Thorin Oakenshield that I am completely and utterly in love, and that’s what it feels like, I can’t help it. I am a 30 year old women, it feels totally crazy to feel like this. Richard Armitage as Thorin Oakenshield makes me feel like somehow being human and not being apart of the world that is Middle Earth, I am lost here. I don’t fit in here, I fit in there…Yet, it is totally not reality.

On a completely different subject, completely loved Legolas!

*Contains footage from battle of the five armies teaser trailer.

Uploaded by: DarqueJackal

Published on 19 Nov 2014

Song: “Centuries” by Fall Out Boy
Clips from The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The Desolation of Smaug, and The Battle of the Five Armies
Remember to watch in HD!

Resolutions

It is no secret fact that the end of a year, any year, it makes people reflect and look back at the year and decide what they wish to improve on for the new year coming.

Last year what I did was instead of making resolutions for the year coming, I made a list of what I was going to leave behind in the past year. I actually found this was really a lot better than making promises into the future. Mainly because we don’t know what the future holds for us. So instead of promising myself that I would “lose weight” I worked on writing less emo-type posts.

I found that by making promises to myself of what I’m leaving behind, I could concentrate on that. I could work on myself and then I was able to work on things that were thrown at me in my future, things that I didn’t see coming. I have to say that personally it did work for me, so I shall be doing that again. Instead of starting new problems, I decided to work on old issues of mine so that I could leave them behind.

Here are a couple of things that I will be leaving behind in 2015:

  1. Less talking about my ex’s, so I can concentrate on my new partner
  2. Being unproductive and be more proactive on finding a job IN a Library, rather than just having a job.
  3. MORE motivation for meditation!

What are your “tricks” for the New Year? Do you make resolutions, or do you do something else instead, make a goal for the new year?

The Music in me…

I don’t believe that Music should be defined into which “genre” is better than the others. It needs to be defined by how it makes you feel. It needs to be defined by how it moves you…Music needs to be defined by YOU and no one else but you.

My dream is to walk down the aisle to “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica, but dance with my father to “There you’ll be” by Faith Hill.

 

A long weekend…

So it’s a long weekend here in the Down Under country and I have got a few things happenings this week, seeing people that I haven’t seen in quite a while. (Which had nothing to do with my previous relationship, I just haven’t seen these people all year).

However yesterday was the last time I have ever expected to “talk” (I use that term very loosely, very hard to have a conversation with someone who wont talk back) or see my ex ever again. There was one question that I needed an answer too and he did give it. I think though he’s answer didn’t really explain why he had started to treat me so badly AFTER we broke up. I have never before had to beg anyone to talk too me and I have never had to stop being friends with an ex so soon after we broke up. I have honestly been appalled and disgusted by my ex’s actions, but when people ask me why do I think he’s done it…All I can say is…I honestly don’t know.

What I can say though with 100% certainty is that it is on him and it is absolutely not a reflection on me or the type of person I am. I feel so happy about this. For 30 years I have struggled to feel good about myself and I can finally be at a place where I can say “Nope, it’s definitely you”lol…I am not a bad person and do not deserve to be treated as such, I might like you, but I like myself best =D

Deserve