What to write?

With all the dramas in my family, I can’t begin to tell you how hard it’s been to write or think about anything else. I’m sure though you have all been through it yourselves at some point. I didn’t even realise how much it must have affected myself until yesterday when I saw that I had taken several days to get back to comments.

That’s the annoying thing any mental health condition, anxiety, depression, etc. You don’t always realise until later what happened. I do think I’ve been depressed the last few days. Not because though, I am sad about what’s happened. I think its because for a long time, this what I thought was going to happen. I always thought it might happen when I have kids, and that life conflicts with what my mum, the Maskalls and brother think are “right”.

I think what annoys me the most, is the hypocrisy. My mum complains about the Maskalls the most, my brother did everything he could so they wouldn’t meet his last partner. Yet, of course they don’t do anything wrong too me. Why do I have to keep dealing with them, and be degraded and humiliated and they don’t treat anyone else like that.

This is the first birthday that I’ve looked forward too, for about 5 years now, because I don’t have to cater too them. The last two I have literally had to have my birthday on nights that suited them, and one…I wasn’t even invited too originally. That was probably the most embarrassed that I have ever been. I was only allowed to invite about 5 friends to “my” birthday, and that was last minute. My partner didn’t come because he was angry with them.

So, to say my writing has taken a bit of a dip lately, is a bit of an understatement.

Do you have a way to get out of a writing block funk?

• I forgive myself first of all. I always sit down and tell myself that it is okay to stop.
• This might sound “odd” but I try to eat better as well. That’s mainly because even I don’t feel any changes, mentally. I know I’ve done something well for my body.
• These days I’ve started to do gardening. Unfortunately, we’re heading towards Winter again. Still in Autumn, but it is getting darker earlier already. So gardening isn’t always an option.
• I also do a little cleaning, there’s always something to clean!

20 Songs to Pump You Up for Cleaning Your Home – July 22, 2020 12:47 pm ; The Maids . com

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Here we meet again Struggle Town

I have been struggling this week to think of anything to Blog about, except for some set posts. Mentally, I’m done…I have not been looking forward to this week, bad shifts, having to sign up too things because, even though I have TWO jobs…I am pretty much making NO money.

So let’s chats then…

What do we do when we hit struggle town, what do we do to get ourselves back into the groove again? I don’t know if it’s because this past week and this future week have been kind of stressful. Not anything horrible, things I have almost been expecting but not wanted to happen…But they have. I am finally at the point where I am “This is It”…I have to start all those dreams now, no one else is going to help me. I have two jobs and yet very little money coming in, so now I have to start studying a business admin course online, just to make others happy.

But I have to have the money to start those dreams, and then were do you start? Which dream do you start with, do I try and finish off a book that I’ve been writing for 5 years, do I start a craft online business?

I want to start living my life, I need it to start…I feel very stood still…

I need some inspiration!

 

 

Invisibility

I find this hard to explain because I consider myself to have a mild form of depression. This isn’t completely out of the realms of fantasy, since most of my Dads side of the family seem to suffer from it. The only thing is mine comes in waves if that makes sense? I’ll be upset for 30 minutes and then I’m okay again, or I use one of my coping mechanisms and I’m fine. Whereas others I know the low will go on for hours and that’s why I keep a lot of what I go through to myself. This is the “platform” that I have used to be honest and say for the first time to say publicly and honestly “I suffer from depression”.

Some of my coping tools are to just listen to a style of music depending on the type of mood I’m in, sometimes all that can through to my mind is to listen to some heavy metal music. Watching a comedy television show, I can only watch comedy through that time. How can I help others if I can’t be honest with them?

In Australia we also have this wonderful company called “Beyond Blue” (http://www.beyondblue.org.au/) If you are ever feeling down please look through this site, or if someone you know suffers from depression please read this site!

I wish to heal my broken heart…

If I could have just one wish, I would wish to fix my broken heart.

I think that for the first time in a really long time I finally admitted to how hurt I am, how broken my heart is.

I wish that you hadn’t sent me that text…Why! Why did you send me that text…You didn’t even mean it, you just felt guilty…You should!

I wish that you had any clue at all at what you’ve done.

I wish to forgive and I wish to forget.

I wish I had never met you.

I wish that I didn’t hate you.

I wish that I didn’t love you.

I wish that you hadn’t made me feel so worthless.

I could really use a wish right now.

Published on 27 Mar 2014

The new single ‘Wait On Me’ out November 9th in the UK. Preorder here http://rix.tn/RwomYd

• Music “Me And My Broken Heart” by Rixton (Google Play • iTunes)

• Category Music

• Licence Standard YouTube Licence

Are You Okay? No…Really…Are you?

Just to start off with, I do really love the whole idea of the “R U Okay” day (which is an Australian depression awareness day). I think it’s great to see so many people getting into it and asking people on their Facebook, Social Media sites “asking” people “R U Okay”.

Find out more about R U Okay day (from Australia).

The only problem I have with this idea is that as someone who suffers from depression, I don’t necessarily open up to someone who just asks me “Are you okay?”. I’m not sure about others, but a lot of people (myself included) when we are in the time of being depressed, I have SUCH a hard time telling anybody anything. Then what about the other 364 days of the year? I never heard anyone talk about it again. Plus people tend to say it on their wall, or post some link and that’s it.

I literally woke up letting people know that I had an extremely bad night, full of nightmares and tears…Only one person asked me “R U okay”…So as far as I am concerned, the whole day was a failure. Then people went to posting cute animals videos and posting political links that no one really cares about. In fact the best responses I got today was on my status on how great Lasagne is =S So even on a day dedicated to making sure people are okay, writing two different statuses only the positive one got any responses…What does that say?

So even if you felt like “R U Okay” is a bit of a let down (like me). I think anyway to promote awareness of depression and suicidal issues can only ever been a good thing. I repeatedly tell people that I am always here day or night. I don’t need one day to tell people that.

Published on 16 Jun 2012

Michael Jackson- Smooth Criminal, The King of POP

What a difference 24 hours can make…

Disturbia

Uploaded on 13 Dec 2009

Music video by Rihanna performing Disturbia. YouTube view counts pre-VEVO: 48,070,735. (C) 2008 The Island Def Jam Music Group

7 Stages of a Break up….Animal Style!

This weekend most of my Facebook has been filled with people who keep going on how great their partners are or are now getting married and while I’m trying to be all “yay”…I think though I am at the stage of the anger from my break up being finally here (oh and I don’t think that it helped that one of my “friends” decided to ditch me…again…to go interstate to go see Orlando Bloom at a con, who she doesn’t even like and who I actually am in love with. While always also leaving me with a ticket to a show that we were suppose to go to that I actually couldn’t really afford) So my “anger level” at the moment is Nuclear.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lindseyrobertson/the-7-stages-of-breaking-up-as-illustrated-by-animals#m2xe1n

How do animals just instantly make everything better? I can honestly say that I have done stage 4 once and I will NEVER do it again!

 

Robin Williams <3

Originally I was going to take a ‘hiatus’ from all types of social networking sites (except for this Sea Eagle webcam that I am now watching in replacement of the little Baby O’s). However I happened to peer over the shoulder over a friends computer while they were reading some news on the computer and saw the extremely sad news =( At first I thought he had died from a heart attack, but now it appears that it looks like a suicide.

I think this is one of the genuine times that I feel really upset about hearing of a “celebrities” death. I absolutely LOVED Robin Williams, he always had me cracking up…or in some cases, really freaking me out and making me cry.

‘Lightning storm of comedy’ Robin Williams dies of apparent suicide” “The Australian 2014”.

Robin Williams just had this amazing ability to take any situations and just make you laugh till your tummy and cheeks hurt and the tears rolling down your face and you have to walk out of the room because you cannot breath any-more…Can’t forget his dramatic pieces of work either! That man had so many facets and was extremely talented. I always thought that there was a bit of sadness, but it was always hard to see between the laughing. There was always just something in the background, but it’s one of things that you notice if you’re watching his stuff over and over again. I think he needed the hyperactivity to keep his mind off of other stuff…That is just my personal opinion though. His drug and alcohol addiction was pretty well known over the years…Still it is shocking.

Beyond Blue (c) 2014

Tow of my favourite comedians together =)

 

Beyond Blue

This week I had a bit of a scare…when I say ‘scare’ I mean it has been a scare about my mortality and I wont know for roughly a year about the outcome. This week has therefore been an extremely traumatic and thoughtful one. It has made me question a lot about what am I doing here, I had a breakdown over seeing a child singing…One of those types of week.

I have always believed that I suffer from a low depression, meaning that I do suffer from it but it doesn’t affect my life as badly as some of my other friends. It does help that I have learnt about my triggers and also have learnt tools to help me cope better. There are a lot of people in my life who suffer depression from extreme (physically debilitating) to the mild type I have.

One of the most well -known industries in Australia are called “Beyond Blue”, they are an industry that help people cope with Depression and Anxiety. They give advice, get you in contact with professional health experts and recommend treatments for people and genders of all ages.

If you are suffering from depression/anxiety or know someone who is, please click the link below:

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/

 

My new best friend…Blogging!

So today I went back on Facebook after being away from it for about a week and I can honestly I did not miss it at all!

I am not really sure when Facebook became the be all and end all in our lives, but I am more determined than other to stay clear of Facebook. It’s excellent for keeping in touch with people, but lets be honest…Most people use Facebook as some sort of popularity contest page. I am not someone who on Facebook would be deemed ‘unpopular’ but I think that it definitely causes a lot more problems than solves them. I think it brings out the worse in people, yet, at the same time it seems to brings out the honest side too and people are there ready to criticise you.

I have said a lot these days that we have all these communication tools and it is so easy to talk these days…yet…we seem to interact less than any other generation before! We’ll “like” something, but why are we liking the ‘like’?

The funny thing was I had this distaste for Facebook and I missed the Blogging community all day. It feels like the blogging community is just a more positive influence in my life these days. People seem to want to put all their lives on Facebook, but nothing…interesting…Yet blogging allows the readers a snippet into the writers life without giving too much away…Leaving us all wanting more!