Bad Ideas

I’m not sure what responses these two were expecting?

Female Trophy Hunter Harassed Online Defending Hobby

It was interesting the part where she says that “Hunting is Conversation, they’re saving the animals” I REALLY wish that the journalist had asked her how.

How is Ann Coulter even around anymore? She constantly threatens people, she says stupid stuff like this. I’ve actually reported her a couple of times.

Samantha Markle…Well anything with her involved is just a whole lot of confusion!

Fake it until you make it…

I was so excited this month. I’ve finally been getting better and I have less anxiety while travelling and just in a couple of days it’s all be very upsetting…All of if not within any of ours control…and I’ve been watching my partners cat like a Hawk!

  • Got a cold on the days of my only shifts for the next couple of weeks.
  • My partners cat had a seizure and the day after he just seemed sad.
  • It’s my last week of trying to get my cholesterol down…and for some reason “Mother” decided to say to me. “Can you imagine after you’ve been so careful, that your cholesterol does not go down?”?…WHO SAYS THAT!
  • The weekend of my birthday (my actual birthday is on Sunday) I have everybody else’s to go too and apparently there’s some big event on the next weekend. So my “event” is probably not going to have that many people there…Of course I wont know till the day. So trying to prepare for it is..hard.

So I have been faking a lot this week!

I’ve been making myself get into the swing of my birthday week…Inspiring myself if you will!

Daily Post – Land of Confusion

Land of Confusion – Daily Prompt

My life IS a land of confusion, I rarely feel like I fit in, whatever I do never seems right. It’s never good enough. My mind is a constant land of confusion, whenever I think I’ve gotten it, I haven’t. Sometimes I used to feel really let down and out of it, and now, as I’ve gotten older, it’s mattering too me less and less. Sometimes I look at what is happening in the world and the prioritises and I think “Am I the only one who thinks this is lame?”

I always used to say that I was born in the wrong age, the wrong era, the wrong decade. I feel like this more and more each day.

I am alone at a Crossroads

I hate to great you all this morning with such a depressing post. I must also start with saying that I actually scheduled this post, I’m writing this on Tuesday evening to be posted on Thursday. Mainly because my brain is so fuzzy on this Tuesday evening, I want to reread to make sure this makes sense.

So there was three jobs I went for, all three I actually wanted, the selection criteria for these jobs meant that I wrote 6 pages for each. I got no where, no interview, nothing…One that actually made me angry, was a job I got offered a couple of months ago, casual work, but I could just not get there. Yet, somehow I can’t even get an interview for the exact same job at a different Library, but within the same council? I haven’t had an interview for a Library job in nearly two years now!

So once again, I’m stuck. I actually really like my job, but its just not stable. There was a while back where I had no shifts for three weeks. I can’t really afford to do that.

So what do I do know? Do I even bother anymore? I was always told that one you have a job, it’s easier to get another one, not for me it seems. I actually did consider moving interstate at one point, I live in the state with the highest unemployment rate, but I can’t anymore, cause my partner doesn’t want too.

Am I wrong?

*start rant here =P*
If you are an avid reader of mine you’ll know that I watch this live web feed Wild Earth Live Safari. Any-ways, on their Facebook page (one of them anyways) they’ve decided that people are not allowed to post anything about poaching or hunting? It’s a wildlife page on conservation land that has a wide range of animals that are heavily endangered, and they don’t want posts about poaching and hunting because it’s not “nice”?

Seriously!

People are all for it too, except for me…I’ve created a little bit of a ho ah…Aww the poor little human beings are all put out by the articles saying that they animals they claim to love so much are being tracked, hunted, beheaded. We’re watching these animals for free, and you don’t want post some articles because its “not nice”. I think it’s the LEAST we can do for these animals! Get the articles out there.

Make the people aware of how bad it is out there!

I cannot turn my back on these animals as we are lucky enough to watch these drives for free, educating us, teaching us and not only do the animals ask us for nothing, we are the only ones who can speak up for the animals. If a group of people who understand and see these amazing creatures in their family groups and their every day habit…Turn our back and not talk about the realities, because it’s not “nice”…My heart is literally broken.

This video is of a young Matimba male called “Junior”. Junior is a young male and will be forced by his Dad and Uncle to leave the pride soon, he’s just getting to old to hang around anymore. Junior does not have any brothers to leave with and their does not seem to be a young male coalition around that he might be able to join. Junior will more than likely have to survive on his own and far away from the safety of the conservation. Into the path of poachers and hunters…How can anyone look at him and go and pretend that this isn’t happening. Why would anyone want to do nothing and not stand up and say “No! We wont allow this to keep happening!”

Johnny Depp

Mind Flip

So I am going my first date with a second guy that I met on the online dating site and I have already set-up a second date with the first guy I met online. I’m a little worried because I still like the first guy that I met on the online dating and he was actually the reason that I joined the site in the first place.

I have never really had to reject someone where there has been the promise of dating before. I’ve had to reject people I’ve known for a while, but not someone I haven’t known for a while. I mean the second guy seems alright, but I am just not clicking with him and I do not want to lead him on. Oh the confusion of dating!

datingmeme

The other thing that I have been finding really interesting though is my total and utter mind flip on my ex, it’s been amazing! There is that saying though “Hindsight and 20/20” and they are cliches for a reason I guess! It just feels like my mind has done a huge 360. I really don’t care…Finding out certain things and really sitting down to think about it, I don’t think my ex cared about me at all!

Not in a vicious way, I just don’t really think that he ever really got to know the real me. He has no idea who I really am. Plus I think when you really can’t tell who a person is and who they genuinely like as a human being, there is no way that that is a good sign!

Feeling Good!

Yet, always there is hope…

Dear You,

I need to write this to you, but I can never show you, I can never open my heart up to you again. In the rest of my days, you can never actually know this.

It’s weird this feeling that I have. I hate you, I don’t trust you and now you have made me feel unsafe and unwanted. Yet at the same time, I am completely, madly in love with you still. Isn’t that weird? I know that I can’t ever be with you and with the attitude that you have seemed to develop over night I don’t want to, but yet here I am. Flirting, chatting with other guys and opening my heart to them, but still in love with you?

Yet, if anyone were to tell me that I have no self respect for myself, I know that they’re in the wrong. I don’t want you back, ever again. Not in a millions years would I ever, and sometimes I think it’s because I miss who I thought you were, not who you turned out to be.

You were the first person that I could really see myself settling down with, getting married, having babies, doing the whole grown up thing. I get scared sometimes that now I am far too damaged to feel like that again, yet there is hope. I can hear her calling in the back of my mind “Don’t give up!”

I didn’t expect this…

I’ve only been on the online dating site for a couple of days and I already have two guys that I’m interested in and they seem interested in me too…

In the moments though when I am not talking to them and those silent few minutes before I asleep. I am suddenly reminded of the heartbreak that I have only recently endured and it comes all flooding back to me and then I am paralysed again by fear and I just want to go back to the beginning of the year and start all over again.

I don’t want to feel like this any-more, I want to be happy, I don’t want to be sad. It is easy to forgive, it’s hard to forget. I wish that there was someone who could just give me one big hug and tell me that it was all going to be okay and for once be able to believe it myself.

You see the thing is…It should have been you…

If you could read mind right now this is what you’d hear…

You see…the thing is…I am finding my life incredibly fun these days, there is always something to do and someone that I can see…Every now and then I can’t help but think that it seems so unfair that you’re not here with me having this fun…But then again you are the one that made all of this happen.

It should be me and you taking on the world, makingĀ it ours, we completely deserve it!

But my life is a lot of fun right now and I don’t think of nearly as much as I use to and the nightmares have stopped, well for the past week at least. Music is really making me angry for some reason though.

I can’t wait to fall in love again, I guess that’s one thing I can take from this. You did open up my heart to make sure that I knew that it was really there, so I thank you for that. I can’t wait too meet the one and experience all that life has to offer when you fall in love…But…it should have been you.

Some days I literally have to sit on my hands, or “gasp” do homework to distract myself from contacting you. I promised you that you never had to worry about hearing from me again. Why were you so stupid? Why couldn’t you have just said “I’m sorry…I never meant any of this too happen and I never meant to hurt you”. We only knew each other a short time, but there is a dark hole in my heart that I can’t fill up with anything else. That little hole just hiding there, I can feel just the tip of the beginning of that hole at all times.

I am off to have fun again and I will, it’s not meant to sound mean, but I don’t feel like I should have to be sad. I love you always (you never knew that either, did you?) I would have married you without hesitation if you had asked and I’ve never felt like that before…The thing is, you’ll never know any of this. I’m kind of glad about that, I wouldn’t want anyone to take that for weakness, I don’t want you back now.

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda…The thing is…It’s not you.

Rumi

I hate loving you…

I hate that you made me feel,
I hate that you made me happy,
I hate that you made me feel safe and loved,
I hate that I fell in love with you.

I hate that I was strong and never needed anyone,
I hate that now all I want is for someone to holdĀ me,
I hate that now all I want is to fall in love,
I hate that you made the voices in my head quiet.

Because now they’re back, stronger than before,
Making me feel…That time at night, when all I want is too sleep,
I wont think of you and then…BAM! There you are, front and centre,
The nightmares wont stop…I just want them too stop.

I hate that I don’t think I’ll stop feeling like this until I start to feel for someone else again.

I say all this but I don’t want you back. I just want to stop feeling like this.

I feel like a little lost light.