How do you feel about breaking the spines of a book?
This is the funny thing about me, when I buy something new, let’s say a new laptop or a new phone. It generally comes with a lot of that plastic type protection stuff, I have no idea what it’s called. I hate taking it off and I get paid out a lot because of it, everyone else can’t seem to yank it off.
So I hate it when I accidentally break a spine. Sometimes though, some books come with the pages so close together that the breakage of the spine is inevitably going to happen. Once it’s happens, I tend to think to myself “Oh well, it happened” But I am very careful with it, just sometimes it seems like it can’t be helped.
One of the things that I absolutely hate about my last ‘relationship’, was that no matter how much I know I’m better off and no matter how much I love and adore my current boyfriend. I hate how the past can affect us and damage us for someone who has never done a thing to hurt us.
To make a long story short, my last “relationship” ended up being a disaster and have no idea why. The only way I can explain it to myself is that I honestly was just a bet. I am decade older than my last partner and he chased me for months (nearly a year) full well knowing that I’m much older than him, but we ended up dating…for a month. Now his reason was alright (after nearly a year he realised I was much older than him)…
But as all my ex’s seem to do, they just seem to turn on me? All my breakups have been “amicable” in that we’ve both realised it’s not going to work and somehow all of my ex’s, even when they not great friends with the person, they’ve all gone running to the person who hates me the most? It’s put some serious trust issues, deep embedded in me. My last ex, for example, using to complain about this “best friend” of his more than I did and I had more of a reason to dislike this guy, and does not respect the guy. Yet, the first person he goes to, out of all of his friends, is a guy he doesn’t respect and knows hates my guts?
The whole feeling though of feeling stupid for having such strong feelings for someone who thought me nothing more than a bet, still stays with me to this day and I just cannot shake it. It annoys me to no end. I am extremely happy with my relationship and I can tell it bothers my current partner that I seriously struggle to open up. I just cannot help it.
So tonight I had a bit of a freak out and a bit of a wobble. Currently here in South Australia we are experiencing a major devastating bush fire, people lives are being lost, homes and property completely gone and we unfortunately had one well known kennel and cattery burnt down with many of the dogs and all of the cats still on the property.
Anyways this same night I had a date with the number one guy (there is no number two guy anymore). I heard that the suburbs that three different ex’s of mine are from, were required to evacuate. I couldn’t help myself, I got worried and I realised that I still cared. Not in love care, but worry something will go wrong kind of caring. Then I got angry at myself for caring at all. My mum told me it was perfectly naturally to still care and worry while not being in love with that person.
I hate though that I still care about these people who obviously never cared about me. I highly doubt that if they heard that I had to be evacuated that they would worry about me at all. I got so upset that I still care and I know that they don’t and now I’m frightened that it’ll happen to me all over again.
I can already tell it’s happening, everything that the number one guy did tonight bugged the crap out of me and yet I know in the back of my head none of it’s any of his fault, so I managed to fake a “sickie” and get myself out of the date earlier than anticipated and then collapsed in tears when I got home. 30 years of being treated like hell and I think that I broke tonight. I can feel myself cutting off and becoming cold.
p.s. I will be fine, I just can’t seem to stop crying tonight.
As you probably have guessed (and from me blogging about it constantly) I have broken up with my last ‘beau’.
We were at that stage when we were both “Lets be friends” and everything was hunky dorey and we kept telling each other how much we missed each other…and then…One of us (i.e. him) decided to do something stupid and I found out about it (mainly because his friend posted it on his Facebook account). So now we’re at the “don’t speak to me ever again” point.
I’m not sure why this seems to happen to me, but my ex’s always tend to run straight to the person (their friend) who made my life the most horrible/miserable. So the first thing that happens is this person makes sure that I am aware of this. I have no idea why this seems to happen to me every single break up (and I am not exaggerating). On the plus side though it makes letting go THAT much easier. I honestly believe who you CHOOSE to be friends with, no matter how much you may “claim” not respect or like them. If you hang around people…Doesn’t that make YOU much worse than them? At least they are truly being the morons everyone believes them too be.
This is something that I have struggled with every single break up. I am sitting there defending them to my friends and family (when necessary) and yet my ex’s run to the people who hurt me the most, while claiming they have no respect for them? Pretty much (to me at least) proving what truly kind of person you are? If you choose to hang out with someone who uses a private medical condition as a weapon to hurt someone, makes up stories that you tell everyone else EXCEPT the person you are actually apparently mad at and passively aggressively cut out your so-called “life-long best friends” and that’s who choose to be with…You, my ex-friend, have everything coming to you.
Even as I am writing this my views are constantly changing…Now I am at “I don’t even care…I always remember how you chose them over me…Too have a deep and meaningful, you have to be deep and meaningful to begin with -.-“…
Uploaded on 12 Jan 2009
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Music video by Katy Perry performing Thinking of You. (C) 2008 Capitol Music Group, a division of Capitol Records, LLC