Day One

Today is a kind of a new day for me. It terms of my job, I am going to be doing the exact same job, but just in a different location for at least the next month, with more hours and I am feeling just as anxious, as if I was starting a new job. That’s the problem with a new location, I don’t know the layout of the building, even though they have a great map. I still don’t know where everything is. So it’s a little scary, I’m sure that it’ll be fine…Just those “first day” nerves.

Taking a step backward…Step FORWARD!

setback-set-up

Maybe not the best way to set up a Monday, but I felt like it was a point that I wanted to talk about, of something that happened to me over the weekend. I felt like I had taken a huge step back.

*Just warning…If you do suffer from a anxiety and you’re having a bad day, this post may not be for you today. Even though there is a positive message behind it. I don’t want to be responsible for any triggering.*

Friday morning i had the day off of work and with how well I had been on Thursday, I had decided to head out and do some shopping on the Friday morning. Lately I have been ordering pretty much everything online, because I don’t know how I am going to be from one day to the other.

Taking you back to last year, after an traumatic incident, I have developed an, well I think, a really odd form of anxiety. Too break it down, because someone, who will remain nameless at this point, decided that no, they could not pull over (even though we went past a McDonald’s, a gas station AND a public toilet) and let me out to get to a toilet. I spent 20 minutes basically trapped in a car, actually NEEDING to get out. After the person had left me hanging all day while I drunk tea all day and no food. We were supposed to go clothes shopping, but they had to do some things in the morning. Which was fine, but once it got to 3pm, I was starting to get annoyed. I didn’t know if we were eating, was I supposed to eat first. I was actually in the middle of a text to let them not to bother, when they finally showed up. Our clothes stores close at 5pm on the weekend.

So giving that they finally turned up, we basically run out of the door, which was a bad idea. I didn’t go to the toilet before we left and I had been drinking all day, to fill my stomach. I had been filling my bladder instead.Since then whenever I am in a car, or travelling. I get anxious and feel like I need to get to a toilet badly. I have been getting better with help of hypnotherapy.

I was actually getting better, until a couple of weeks ago. I had one bad night, where I don’t even know what happened, but my stomach hurt and I just had to go. Then it feels like it’s gotten worse, with a rare good day here and there, and just this Friday morning I nearly ended up crying in a shopping mall. It was horrible and I hate it.

I felt SO fed up, I’m tired of fighting it because it’s feels so stupid. When I do go, even in the woes of panic, nothing happens…I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating it is, how tiring it is. I can’t just do things on a whim and even when I plan things, it still doesn’t always work out. I’m alright coming back and forth from work and sometimes travelling to my partners house I do really well.

Then I have mornings like I did Friday…

I try not to be too hard on myself, I’m doing well every well else, just more necessarily when I have a “duty”.

 That’s the whole thing though, I am so tired of it, that I now have a plan. I had stopped doing all the things that had helped when I started to get better, because I swear just that one bad moment has seemingly ruined it all.

  1. So instead of doing it once a week, like I was before. I’m not going to be mediating and listening to my hypnosis tapes, at LEAST every second day. Definitely the night before long trips.
  2. I have to promise to myself to not be so hard on myself.
  3. When I go shopping by myself, if I need to leave, then I need to leave…It’s alright
  4. I have to start walking my dog again, because that was what honestly what started to heal me before. Whether that be a 5 minute walk or a 30 minute walk, I handle what I can handle. That’s what I used to do before. The walks got longer and longer over time.
  5. No coffee before long drives.
  6. Mostly, it’s okay to admit I am not okay, but I will be. I am not going to let this defeat me.
  7. Trying to figure out a way to calm my mind down before I get into a car, especially with those unexpected trips.

I would actually really like any ideas, or any suggestions about any of the above, or if you want to share…Please feel free…No judgement!

Anxiety

I suffer from psychological anxiety issues, when I get something in my brain, I tend to obsess over it and I have been able to keep it under control until this past weekend and I have not been able to really relax since. My issue is I had an incident a few months ago where I felt trapped but I really needed to go to the toilet. I ended up making it to a toilet in time, but…

Every since then whenever I’m in a situation where I need the toilet and I feel “trapped” I have to convince myself it’s okay I can stop any time and go to a bathroom. It used to happen just on buses. However, this weekend I was being driven somewhere by someone I trusted and because they were running late, we run out the door when they got me. So part way to our location I realised I needed the toilet and asked them to pull into a McDonalds we were passing, they didn’t. They continued, by the time we got back to my house, I was crying and shaking. They think it’s something physically wrong me, they don’t get what they did was physiologically damaging.

This happened on Saturday and since then I now cannot get into a car without feeling anxiety and needing to go to the toilet. So now I am desperately trying to find any solution to distract myself while in car and I don’t drive, so I have to rely on others to take me places. There’s no way I can get buses at the moment. I’ve never been so angry with someone in my life before. Mainly because this person was my mother and I told her about my problems and I live with her and not my partner…Yet.

I can kind of distract myself, but now it’s such a fight and I am so angry about it.

Are You Okay? No…Really…Are you?

Just to start off with, I do really love the whole idea of the “R U Okay” day (which is an Australian depression awareness day). I think it’s great to see so many people getting into it and asking people on their Facebook, Social Media sites “asking” people “R U Okay”.

Find out more about R U Okay day (from Australia).

The only problem I have with this idea is that as someone who suffers from depression, I don’t necessarily open up to someone who just asks me “Are you okay?”. I’m not sure about others, but a lot of people (myself included) when we are in the time of being depressed, I have SUCH a hard time telling anybody anything. Then what about the other 364 days of the year? I never heard anyone talk about it again. Plus people tend to say it on their wall, or post some link and that’s it.

I literally woke up letting people know that I had an extremely bad night, full of nightmares and tears…Only one person asked me “R U okay”…So as far as I am concerned, the whole day was a failure. Then people went to posting cute animals videos and posting political links that no one really cares about. In fact the best responses I got today was on my status on how great Lasagne is =S So even on a day dedicated to making sure people are okay, writing two different statuses only the positive one got any responses…What does that say?

So even if you felt like “R U Okay” is a bit of a let down (like me). I think anyway to promote awareness of depression and suicidal issues can only ever been a good thing. I repeatedly tell people that I am always here day or night. I don’t need one day to tell people that.

Published on 16 Jun 2012

Michael Jackson- Smooth Criminal, The King of POP

Beyond Blue

This week I had a bit of a scare…when I say ‘scare’ I mean it has been a scare about my mortality and I wont know for roughly a year about the outcome. This week has therefore been an extremely traumatic and thoughtful one. It has made me question a lot about what am I doing here, I had a breakdown over seeing a child singing…One of those types of week.

I have always believed that I suffer from a low depression, meaning that I do suffer from it but it doesn’t affect my life as badly as some of my other friends. It does help that I have learnt about my triggers and also have learnt tools to help me cope better. There are a lot of people in my life who suffer depression from extreme (physically debilitating) to the mild type I have.

One of the most well -known industries in Australia are called “Beyond Blue”, they are an industry that help people cope with Depression and Anxiety. They give advice, get you in contact with professional health experts and recommend treatments for people and genders of all ages.

If you are suffering from depression/anxiety or know someone who is, please click the link below:

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/