I am…You are…Not alone <3

It’s been an interesting year for myself. I “lost” my best friends at the beginning of this year (if you have been paying attention) and my Mum said that “But, does this mean you haven’t got any friends?” Now, I’m going to admit at the time, it sounds harsh…and it kind of is (lol).

This is the thing though, I don’t feel alone anymore. With “best friends” like them, who needs best friends? I truly do not feel alone.

The biggest fear that I had and a large part of the reason I didn’t want to stop being friends with my ex friends was because I was frightened of being alone. The best thing they ever did for me was to start taking themselves out while accusing me of what they had done. It’s the the weirdest thing to explain to people. It’s all about hindsight.

You know how Facebook has those memories things? Where you look back a year to a few years back at posts you made on that day. They have been brilliant at revealing how everything I said and did, they made it about them.

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How I spent my week…

If you haven’t started reading my Blog just this week, then you’ll know I was house sitting for my Mum and I was alone a lot this week.

• In the end I had 6 bags of clothes and two bag of shoes. Now I’m just deciding whether or not to try and sell my shoes to friends first before giving them away.
• Many walks with the dog. They were so funny, because we’ve got her this harness that goes around the chest, instead of the neck. She is so tiny though, one leg pops out, at least one street at a time,lol.
• Finding out about mindfulness. It’s interesting, I heard about mindfulness, but did not understand what it was. I thought it was just part of meditation. I think I’ll write a post more about it.
• I got so many Christmas presents. All under $50 =D Like altogether under 50. I’ve knocked off a couple of people =D
• I was constantly cooking too much, I kept having reheated meals. I kept cooking for two or more, when there was only myself.

Letting it Go

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life, where you are just tired of it all? You just need it all to stop and to go away? Where do you even start to do something like that when you live in a small town, where you constantly bump into people you know…Or at the very least someone who knows the person you know.

I am just at that point where I’m done. I am so tired of people who neither appreciate me or even try to understand. My world can feel so lonely sometimes and I hate how it’s made to feel that way by people who are supposed to care. The thing that gets to me, is that I introduced half my friends to each other and they hang out and keep “liking” each other things, while leaving me out! How does that even happen?

My “friends” make me feel like I’m some kind of horrible person and I’m so tired of it. I’ve stopped going on Facebook, other than to message people, because I’m tired. The only thing is I have to keep going on to check my messages and I cannot figure out how to hide it so people can’t see I’m on at all. The only place I feel 100% “safe” anymore is on my Blog and when I’m chatting with my Safari Live family.

Readers, so when you have been in a situation like this, what do you do? Do you just stop all contact until you figure yourself out? I feel alone at a crossroads, I definitely don’t trust anyone enough to just listen to me. I kind of just want a new life, with my partner and my family though. Just new friends =/ What about yourselves? Have you just gotten sick and tired of your “friends”?

Share Your World – Week 19

Share Your World – 2015 Week #19

This week’s questions are all about your home, whether it be a house, a mansion, a trailer, an apartment, or treehouse.  I hope you enjoy this mini theme version of Share Your World.

If you have a TV, would you prefer the TV in the living room or another room?

I have a tv in my living room and in my bedroom and there are benefits and negatives to both. I enjoy having a tv in my room, especially at the moment. We’re heading into Winter and lying in bed at night with the rain pouring outside of my window, is heaven. I feel really isolated though if I stay in my room for too long, I’m not out being social and talking with my mum and playing with my puppy. Which is funny because when I got the tv everyone was worried I’d never come out of my room and I’ve found I like it, the convenience is great. I need real people though too!lol

Would you prefer a one floor house or multiple levels?

I actually live in a “town-house” which is a type of small house, but it’s two levels. I prefer a one floor house. There are just some days where you are sick (self-inflicted or not) and it can be hard to get up those stairs. The amount of times that I have fallen both up and down the stairs as well. My partner last weekend fell down on his socks down our stairs and his back still hurts =/

When you leave a room, do you turn the lights off behind you or keep the lights on throughout your house most of the time? Explain your answer.

If I’m alone at night, I tend to leave a lot of the lights on. I will turn the lights off if I’m watching a movie, but I make sure that my puppy is sitting with me. I turn all the lights off usually in my day to day business.

What’s your favorite room in your home?

I pretty much love every single room. I am such a homebody, I come home from work and it’s the only time that I can get changed in a minute, get out of my work clothes and into my comfy clothes. Home is where my heart is and home is where I feel the safest.

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

Definitely my partner, I can’t believe how sweet and patient that he has been with me. My last relationship left me broken and I felt like I could never let anyone back into my life again. He hasn’t just proven me wrong, but he’s helped me become stronger.
This week I am looking forward to it being a quiet week and not having to go out and “shine” so to speak. It’s going to be pretty relaxing and I haven’t had that in a while.

 

Invisibility

I find this hard to explain because I consider myself to have a mild form of depression. This isn’t completely out of the realms of fantasy, since most of my Dads side of the family seem to suffer from it. The only thing is mine comes in waves if that makes sense? I’ll be upset for 30 minutes and then I’m okay again, or I use one of my coping mechanisms and I’m fine. Whereas others I know the low will go on for hours and that’s why I keep a lot of what I go through to myself. This is the “platform” that I have used to be honest and say for the first time to say publicly and honestly “I suffer from depression”.

Some of my coping tools are to just listen to a style of music depending on the type of mood I’m in, sometimes all that can through to my mind is to listen to some heavy metal music. Watching a comedy television show, I can only watch comedy through that time. How can I help others if I can’t be honest with them?

In Australia we also have this wonderful company called “Beyond Blue” (http://www.beyondblue.org.au/) If you are ever feeling down please look through this site, or if someone you know suffers from depression please read this site!

Who are you?

Talking with the girls (as one does) and we were talking about which ex’s do we regret the most. I’m not sure that I actually regret any of my past relationships, however there is one relationship that has an interesting way to view it and I wonder if I am alone in this.

My last relationship I felt like he was lying so much about who he was, that he never knew who I was. To me there is not way that he could possibly have cared about the real me, because if you don’t know who a person is…How can you possibly know what can hurt them? How would you know what they would consider to be a betrayal?

I put it down to this, it was like dating an actor, but dating their amazing fictional character and then realising, disappointingly,  you were dating this whole other real reality. It’s the best way that I can think of to explain my last relationship. I think that’s why I find it so hard to get over what happened…Who did I date? Did I date the man, or the character?Any ways…Don’t matter no more ~.^ hehe

30 Days of Gratitude…Days 8 – 14

(Well this one shall be very interesting since for half of it I’ll be at a family reunion).

Day 8: Alone – My mum is gone all weekend so this means that I have the entire weekend to myself! So far it’s been bliss (mind you though I’ve had to do homework all day). One of the things that I love at being home alone for a weekend by myself is the absolute solitude. Don’t get me wrong, living with my Mum isn’t all bad. Sometimes though you do a couple of days to yourself, so you can regather yourself back together. My mum has this habit of coming home and as soon as she walks through the door is complains. Sometimes, especially on bad days I actually dread her coming home because I know she’s going to complain about something and it makes me feel worse. I am grateful to have these rare moments alone.

Day 9: Study – I have finally managed to hand in a huge project and it was a huge effort to put since it was a topic I was not interested in and it took forever. Pretty much every spare day I had was taken up with it. This entire weekend I spent working on it and I have a test I really needed to study for. The reason I am grateful for my studies though is because not only is it helping me get into the career of my dreams. I am learning different things that help me in my work. At the moment we are learning how to make web Dewey numbers, every section of Dewey that I’ve learnt I’ve been able to then help customers out where I work. Sometimes work is busy so I don’t really have time stand back and learn.

Day 10: Drama Free: So there I was thinking what am I grateful for, because nothing really happened today…but there is something to be grateful in that alone…Nothing…Only two weeks ago I was angry beyond comprehension and my ex messing me about was beyond horrible. He made me feel worthless and the pain he had and was putting me through meant nothing to him. Like he didn’t care whether I was dead or alive and then he speaks so condescendingly to me….To NOT have anything like that in my life, is calming and beautiful.

Day 11: Single-hood – So I had a HUGE test today on my toughest subject. After the tests on this subject, my brain is completely fried and I fall asleep where ever I am. It was in this moment that I’m grateful that I don’t have children and I can rest easy. I’m also grateful because though by the time I have children I will be an expert on the subject, have a good job because of my studies and be able to comfortably provide for my children.

Day 12: My bed – I know this seems like an odd one, but I am very grateful to have a bed that I can get into a night and feel safe at night. I can dream at night, feeling safe with a roof over my head and safe in my bed.

Day 13: Brother – My brother came back today to visit us as we going on a family reunion trip this weekend. The reason I am grateful for my brother isn’t because he’s done anything amazing for me. He’s done great things for me, but the reason I am grateful to have the brother that I do is because he reminds me constantly what a MAN is. My brother is a Drag Queen, and a seriously good one at that too. He has won many Australia awards for the work that he had done. While I have all these “straight manly men” telling me that a man is only a man if he has a beard, or if he has big shoulders…My 6’4′ gangly brother is being a man, by being who he truly is. He is a constant reminder that a man is not made by what is on his face (neither Steve McQueen or James Dean had a beard can I just say too) or what he hides behind. A man is a man because he has the strength to be who he truly is. THAT’S a man!

Day 14: Family – By the time you read this I will be with my family at our family reunion. I LOVE my family we are all so different but we love each so much. It’s our differences that hold us together. A round up on the “labels” of people that will be at this reunions are: gay, straight, religious, athletic, creative, intellectual, spiritual. Yet, I can guarantee that we will have the most amazing time. From all of my other friends I know how incredibly lucky that I am too have the family (mothers side) that I do…My Dad’s side, don’t even talk to each other.

Always here too me…

I promise that I will stop posting the depressing blog posts about break ups soon, I have a slight feeling that I am feeling a little better. I have stopped talking to my ex, cold turkey. He didn’t do anything wrong I just realised that I was not moving on and so far this actually seems to be working. I was just having this random thought and at the moment I’m not really sure that I even know how to talk to my friends and family about it, mainly because I am worried if I let them know how I’m feeling, they will become worried and there’s nothing to worry about. So I guess what I’m saying any advice would be much appreciated! (Am I glad or what my ex can’t see this either!lol)

This is the first break up that I have ever had where I feel truly alone. I feel a huge part of me is missing. It took me a long time to let my guard down with my ex and when I did, I fell pretty darn quickly after that. He became such a huge part of my life in such a big way in a short amount of time and I’m not even sure any-more what he was actually feeling. He made feel the happiest and the safest that I have ever felt before and now I have the hopeless feeling that he may have never cared for me as strongly as I felt for him. I’m tired of asking him if he did care about me, because why would he say no for? He’d be too terrified to tell me anything else,lol.

In all honesty, in thirty years, I have never felt like this after a break up. Sometimes it is extremely distressing and I completely zone out and pay no attention to what is going on around me (I nearly got hit by a car the other day). Has anyone else ever gone through this? Can you give any advice on how to help me through? What are some steps that I could take to get through this.

Cheers!*

*Update* I had this post scheduled and since then I am no longer in contact with my ex in anyway and have no plans of that changing shortly, but I would still appreciate the advice!

 

Focus

Pink Floyd