30 Days of Gratitude…Self Gratitude

Before I was going to write individually on each of these last few days what I was grateful for, but it’s been such a crazy week that I have decided to leave these last few days and write what I’m most grateful in one big go…So here I go…

Self Gratitude 

I have decided that I NEED to change my life. After months of going back and forth with my last ex, I realised I didn’t trust him any-more, especially not the way that I did once. I have to take my ownership in that. I don’t think that he was a bad person, but I needed to be more sensible in the choice that I was making. I needed to ask him hard questions before we started dating. Which started making me think about all of my past relationships and question why they have thought it was alright to treat me the way they did, when they don’t do it to anyone else? What made them look into the eyes of someone they were supposed to have loved and cared about and go “You’re going to get hurt by this and I don’t care”?

I have decided that I am too hard on myself. I trip myself up by worrying to much about how everyone else is feeling and doing and then I end up putting myself on the back burner. So then I don’t achieve all the things that I needed to, to get anywhere in this life. This includes family, friends, everything aspect of my life. Even if my family don’t think I cook, when I cook a lot (sorry I don’t put everything I make on Facebook *rolls eyes*) Doesn’t mean I have to stop cooking things I enjoy cooking.

I think that the hardest thing in this life is to be grateful for yourself. Its you who gets you through those tough days ultimately. Your mind, your body, your spirit. Its yourself who chooses to step up and take care of yourself.

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30 Days of Gratitude: Days 22 – 28

Day 22 – Conventions: Today started off with me feeling pretty down about a lot a of things. So going to the Supanova convention was exactly what I needed, but I was also grateful that I was able to attend this convention with good friends. What I didn’t expect was to feel as free as I did. Surrounded by people in a fun environment where I felt safe to be me, I felt free from the dramas of other people treating me like a second rate friend. If I had gone out drinking, or just clubbing I would have just gotten drunk.

Day 23 – Health – So last night I pretty much spent half the night throwing up due to some food poisoning and found that more than half the people I went out with had gotten it too. So I wasn’t feeling particularly grateful. Luckily though I realised if I was on the streets or in a third world country, what I went through last night, there was a serious chance that I could have died in the streets. As terrible as my stomach felt, it could have ended up a lot worse for me in a different situation.

Day 24 – Job Club – One of the requirements of not having a job in Australia is attending “Job Club” every week. Sometimes it can feel like such a chore, but I have a new case worker now and feel like he might be actually able to help me. I also got a call today from a potential employer, letting me know that the police check I sent (I sent in for a casual pool months ago) is now invalid and before they can even consider giving me employment I need a new police check…Feeling a little more positive today.

Day 25 – Ferguson: Well this has definitely been the hot topic on a global scale today and I don’t even live in America! As much as I am feeling like I want to stay indoors and be a hermit right now, I am feeling very grateful to be an Australian right now Apart from Abbott trying to ruin everything…We are pretty lucky… Let’s kick Abbotts butt! I can’t stand that guy,lol.

Peaceful Protest Ferguson!

Day 26 – Breakthrough: Last night I had such a breakdown and it was not a good one, I haven’t had one like that in a really long time. For 30 years I have realised how badly I’ve been treated by my ex’s and the damage that is pretty permanent now. It has made me though realise I need to seriously change a LOT in my life. I also need to stop dating Gamers…They are a lot of talk, but not so much about the ‘walk’,lol.

Day 27 – “The Fight”: I have been a bit down since I had to really say goodbye to my ex and let him know that I just do not trust him and after 30 yrs. I am honestly having a hard time trying to find something to be grateful for, other than realising how strong my heart is and how loyal it is to myself instead of ignoring what I need to do.

Day 28 – Thanksgiving: How ironic that 30 days of gratitude happens to fall on Thanksgiving. There is so much that I am grateful for although I am going through a bit of a bad patch right now. But I also know because of all that I am grateful for, I will make it through this too.

30 Days of Gratitude…Days 8 – 14

(Well this one shall be very interesting since for half of it I’ll be at a family reunion).

Day 8: Alone – My mum is gone all weekend so this means that I have the entire weekend to myself! So far it’s been bliss (mind you though I’ve had to do homework all day). One of the things that I love at being home alone for a weekend by myself is the absolute solitude. Don’t get me wrong, living with my Mum isn’t all bad. Sometimes though you do a couple of days to yourself, so you can regather yourself back together. My mum has this habit of coming home and as soon as she walks through the door is complains. Sometimes, especially on bad days I actually dread her coming home because I know she’s going to complain about something and it makes me feel worse. I am grateful to have these rare moments alone.

Day 9: Study – I have finally managed to hand in a huge project and it was a huge effort to put since it was a topic I was not interested in and it took forever. Pretty much every spare day I had was taken up with it. This entire weekend I spent working on it and I have a test I really needed to study for. The reason I am grateful for my studies though is because not only is it helping me get into the career of my dreams. I am learning different things that help me in my work. At the moment we are learning how to make web Dewey numbers, every section of Dewey that I’ve learnt I’ve been able to then help customers out where I work. Sometimes work is busy so I don’t really have time stand back and learn.

Day 10: Drama Free: So there I was thinking what am I grateful for, because nothing really happened today…but there is something to be grateful in that alone…Nothing…Only two weeks ago I was angry beyond comprehension and my ex messing me about was beyond horrible. He made me feel worthless and the pain he had and was putting me through meant nothing to him. Like he didn’t care whether I was dead or alive and then he speaks so condescendingly to me….To NOT have anything like that in my life, is calming and beautiful.

Day 11: Single-hood – So I had a HUGE test today on my toughest subject. After the tests on this subject, my brain is completely fried and I fall asleep where ever I am. It was in this moment that I’m grateful that I don’t have children and I can rest easy. I’m also grateful because though by the time I have children I will be an expert on the subject, have a good job because of my studies and be able to comfortably provide for my children.

Day 12: My bed – I know this seems like an odd one, but I am very grateful to have a bed that I can get into a night and feel safe at night. I can dream at night, feeling safe with a roof over my head and safe in my bed.

Day 13: Brother – My brother came back today to visit us as we going on a family reunion trip this weekend. The reason I am grateful for my brother isn’t because he’s done anything amazing for me. He’s done great things for me, but the reason I am grateful to have the brother that I do is because he reminds me constantly what a MAN is. My brother is a Drag Queen, and a seriously good one at that too. He has won many Australia awards for the work that he had done. While I have all these “straight manly men” telling me that a man is only a man if he has a beard, or if he has big shoulders…My 6’4′ gangly brother is being a man, by being who he truly is. He is a constant reminder that a man is not made by what is on his face (neither Steve McQueen or James Dean had a beard can I just say too) or what he hides behind. A man is a man because he has the strength to be who he truly is. THAT’S a man!

Day 14: Family – By the time you read this I will be with my family at our family reunion. I LOVE my family we are all so different but we love each so much. It’s our differences that hold us together. A round up on the “labels” of people that will be at this reunions are: gay, straight, religious, athletic, creative, intellectual, spiritual. Yet, I can guarantee that we will have the most amazing time. From all of my other friends I know how incredibly lucky that I am too have the family (mothers side) that I do…My Dad’s side, don’t even talk to each other.

30 Days of Gratitude…Days 1 – 7

Day 1: New Hope  – Today was a weird day as originally I had a full day and night full of things to do and then over the last couple of weeks there became rapidly less to do, till finally all I had left to do was to attend a wedding ceremony which was only lasting an hour. Watching this lovely young couple made me realise how much I want to get married with the right person at the right time.

Then it occurred to me that I am not bitter towards my ex, or indeed any ex or any past relationship. “It is better to have a broken heart, than no heart at all” as my favourite Doctor in the whole wide world says. It was then that it occurred to me that I am so grateful to have heart that has gone through so much and yet it is so full of love. Whereas I have seen so many that turn bitter and cold and you can see how it is destroying their lives. I am grateful for my heart.

Day 2: My Mum – I know this sounds like a really sappy one, but it’s the truth! I have a great Mum! I realised this as she was picking me up from a far away place so I didn’t have to taxi back. I have decided to surprise her and take my Learners as a special Christmas present to her (I have to pass obviously). So it’s going to be a secret until I’ve passed. It may not seem like much to a lot of people, but I know how much it’ll mean to my Mum =D I’m hoping to have passed it by the end of this month, so I can show her right at the beginning of December. I am grateful that I have such a caring mother.

Day 3: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met – I haven’t written friends or best friends because sometimes it can be people who we don’t know very well that can surprise us the most. Take today for example, I had a unexpected break down in feeling like a failure because I don’t feel like I am progressing through this year as I would have liked. I expected by the end of this year that I was going to have my dream job and my dream man. I have come SO close to having both and lost both through no fault of my own. Today though I had a bit of a break down on Facebook and I received this message from someone who I added but haven’t spoke too, and they sent me a private message about how they were shocked with how much I thought that I was failing. They let me know that it was sad to read because I send such a positive message on Facebook and they had no idea how badly I had been feeling. We had a good chat and I was so grateful that someone reached out when I needed a good chat the most.

Day 4: Volunteer Work – I am just grateful for the volunteer work that I’ve been allowed to do. My co-workers believe in me so much that they keep giving me different tasks to do and it makes my Library skills so much stronger. I wonder how much responsibility would they give me, if I was just a casual worker? I love where I volunteer and I am grateful to my co-workers to inspire me and remind of the hard work I put in, especially when I’ve given up on myself. When I feel like I am getting nowhere in my work, this reminds me of how much better I’m becoming.

Day 5: The Laughs – So I am having a really hard time with a project, it just never seems to end and in the middle of “about to blow my own mind up” a friend sent me a picture that made me laugh really loudly (in a cafe =S) I am so grateful for friends that don’t just ignore when I say “I’m about to explode” and they ignore…They actually try to make me laugh. Sometimes all I need is that 5 minutes of pure laughter. I am also doubly grateful that over this entire last year I have found those friends..SO much gratefulness!

Day 6: My ex – What a weird concept to be grateful for an ex! My first love (we’ll name him Reno) and I were together for about 3 years, the break up wasn’t really messy between us. However, there was a girl who created a lot of problems and it ended up badly. After a few years though we reconnected and now he is one of my best friends and I am so grateful for that! He keeps proving to me that he knows me better than anyone and gives me amazing guy advice. The last couple of months have been rough for me and he never seems to be mind when I get upset with men in general. I’ve been talking to him this past week and he knows not to keep going on about my last ex, but he keeps a conversation going. I realised a lot of people only seem to talk to me when they think I’m down rather than just having a normal conversation (or when they want something). Not Reno though, I didn’t realise until I started thinking about this whole grateful thing. Sometimes a “normal conversation” can be just what I need, so not everything is still about “him”.

Day 7: Books – It felt like such a funny thing to be grateful about. I am so grateful that I have had a good education to read the books that I enjoy. There are so many people out there that do not have the some luxuries that I have been able to have in my life. One of these is a good education which means that I am able to read the books that I enjoy and love so much. That gives my mind a break from the “real world”.