Reflection

If you follow me on Instagram (Lady Lolly) You will have seen that this past weekend I was very lucky to be able to travel with my family on a Houseboat for the weekend. I didn’t sleep very well (I realised later that I hadn’t taken my anxiety tablet >.<) I felt so happy there though.

The reason we were getting together (with some relatives from overseas) was to say the last goodbye to my Pa aka Grandfather.

It was an really interesting weekend. It was completely lovely spending time with my family, I always enjoy that part. However, there was probably 30 minutes to an hour or so where it was so sad. My Pa passed away about 8 years ago now (still can’t believe that!) but he was a very special human being. He loved travelling up and down the river, so that’s where we spread his and his dog’s ashes. That and that’s where he wanted the ashes to be spread. We were waiting for the right time and with his family coming over from England, what a better time!

I forgot to take an anxiety tablet before I fell asleep and had a bad sleep and didn’t realise till the morning what I had missed. No wonder I felt so bad!

When we went to spread the ashes, everyone else was crying except for me. I got a little teary and I could not watch the rest of them crying, that did make me cry. I felt so weird about not crying and being as upset as everyone else, and that did upset me, as well as seeing them cried.

I did, I got angry with myself.

Then I thought about it a little more and I realised that the reason I wasn’t as sad, is because I truly believe I got my mourning out around the time of his death. I was also happy because my Pa had emphysema and I would NOT wish that death on my worst enemy, let alone someone I love.

I still do get sad, on his birthday, the date of his death. Even just the sound of his laugh, he had an infectious laugh and no one else can say “Hey, Hey Poppenjay, hope you have a lovely day” like he can. It’s just not the same.

The reason I’m writing this today though is because I was fully expecting to break down and have a good cry, so I was a little surprised with myself when this did not happen. Once again became worried that maybe I am a horrible person, I know this is not the case though. I couldn’t look at the rest of my family because that did keep setting me off.

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7 thoughts on “Reflection

  1. Sorry about the loss of your grandfather. You are not a horrible person, everyone grieves differently. My husband cracked jokes at his mom’s funeral, my brother also tries to make people laugh during tough situations. It’s their healing mechanism. Nothing wrong with that! I’m glad you got to spend time with family, and I did see some of your pictures on IG. Not sure if I caught all of them, I’ll have to go stalk your page….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. you’re not a horrible person for not having a break down. I think everyone just deals with their emotions differently. Like you, I don’t always cry or have break downs during times where I feel like I should and then other times I have a really good cry over something that seems relatively insignificant.

    Liked by 1 person

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