Not quiet a resolution…

 

*long post incoming*

Wow! This has been a year or what! I just need to thank some of you! Seriously if I had won the lotto this year, some of you would be reaping the benefits, lol…This has not been the happiest of years and I think we’ve all been through a lot…These types of years show us who is there for us, who makes things easier, who make things more toxic. Stop caring so much about those people who were never there for you and start relaxing a bit more that you are living your best life.

I want to do a BIG, Massive shout out to my family, my boyfriend and his family, the safarilive group and a couple of good close friends who have been the most amazingly supportive people ever! I could not have gotten through this year without any of you ❤ I really mean that! You reached out, you supported and you never once made me feel bad…Which would have made me feel even worse,lol. I literally have cried so many time with how bad I feel and how wonderful you all have been ❤

I’ve been debating a lot with myself whether to say this so publicly or not. However, I feel like I should share in case others have gone through the same and sometimes it can feel lonely, especially when you don’t really have other people who understand. I woke up in the middle of the night, for seemingly no reason at all and I couldn’t breathe. I ended up in hospital. Although it was just a massive panic attack, I had been suffering from anxiety for about a year previous. The drugs that I am now on, makes me so tired and my brain fuzzy and I am very careful with myself now…And I can’t drink alcohol for a year…Bugger! lol

The thoughts that the tablets can make happen almost make it not worth being on them, but you get through it all eventually. There was about two months where I felt like I was never going to be alright again. Sometimes every second felt like you had to keep control, because you were starting to lose. It was all very tiring. Night…Night is now the worst for me. So I’ve started to do things before I fall asleep, so it’s easier to fall asleep and not so scary.

I have been scared a lot this year and the only reason I feel half as good as I do now is because of you all ❤ I feel like every year I trust fewer and fewer people. Yet, I feel like this year some of my relationships/friendships have become stronger because of everything that’s happened. I guess what I want now in my life is for me to spend less time on people I chase and spend my time with people who want to spend time with me. I’m exhausted enough as it is, I don’t need to keep chasing people! I ironically now feel like I actually matter.

What I need: The biggest thing for me this year is because of you (and you know who you are) I am not worried anymore about asking for help when I need too. Asking for a break when I need too.

I guess it’s also why I’ve also been a lot more vocal on things that I believe matter. It may be annoying to see me comment on things especially about animals, lol…I just love them! Except for mosquitos and maggots, they are gross. I’ve been doing it a lot more lately, because I don’t want to leave this world not fighting for good! There is a lot of good in this world, even if this year has not felt like it, and it is worth fighting for!

I don’t really have a resolution this year, I just need to learn to not stress out so much. I tend to be one of those people who want to stress less, but then I stress that I’m stressing when I really don’t want to be, lol. I do however NEED to become more social again and learn to be around people again. So I will be doing more of the social gathering. I’ve already got quite a few ideas in mind!

 

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